HERE'S THE THING: WEEK 2 - THE RESUME GAME

Syracuse travels to Iowa today for what I like to call a "resume game" for Greg Robinson. He knows he can't win, he's waiting to be fired at his current job, and he's just looking for a soft place to fall. You watch him when he greets Coach Ferentz at the end of the game, that's not a playsheet he's surreptitiously handing him, it's a resume. Hang on, first, let me tell you how Greg Robinson got here.

Greg Robinson: Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. That was the tag on G Rob for 20 years. He was a career assistant, primarily with the Denver Broncos, where he was the defensive coordinator when they won Super Bowls in both '97 & '98. He was a well respected coach but never got a head coaching job. His name was bandied about for countless jobs and he'd interview, but the team would "go in another direction". It was a mystery (to some). Finally, in 2005, he found someone to ch-ch-choose him. Greg Robinson and Syracuse said "I do" and he was finally a head coach.

He was the guy expected to bring their program back to prominence. They were thinking Heismans, bowl games, and conference titles. Things were looking grand! But tragedy struck this happy couple in their very first year of marriage. They were a bad fit, and moreover, Robinson was a shitty head coach. They won 1 game in his first season, coming off consecutive 5 win seasons under the much maligned Paul Pasqualoni. The natives were instantly restless but anxious to see what Robinson could do with "his boys" in the program. In 2006, after a narrow loss to Iowa in 2 OTs, they ripped off 3 wins in a row. It'd been a bumpy road but they were a happy couple again. They were thinking about a bowl game and maybe, just maybe, a conference title. But alas, they lost their next 5 games and things went to hell in a handbasket. In 2 seasons, Robinson had managed to have more losing seasons (yeah, 2) than Pasqualoni did in his 14 years as HC.



After a rough offseason where he shook a lot of hands, kissed a lot of babies, and told a lot of lies, G Rob had people convinced this was the year. There was talk of wreaking havoc in the Big East. They opened at home against the curiously ineffective Ty Willingham and the Washington Huskies. It was time for the Orange to put the squeeze on someone else for a change (I'm sorry). They came out of the gates like a drunken sailor, throwing enthusiastic punches around, flailing wildly, with none of them connecting. The Huskies beat the shit out of them on both sides of the ball. Syracuse managed to average 0.3 YPC on the ground against 2006's last ranked defense in the Pac 10 (also in that conference: Stanford). What's worse, on the defensive side of the ball, Robinson's forte!, they managed to make Jake Locker (no way is that a real name) look like Vince Young. If Beano Cook was alive he'd proclaim him a lock for 4 Heismans. It was one of those career/program defining games, partially because it was the opener on national television, but mostly because it was time for Robinson to deliver on all of his promises at once. He failed, let the whole family down (again), and this marriage is over. The worst part is, everyone knows it, and they're resigned to wait until someone finally puts in the paperwork to end it. Some people just aren't cut out to be a head coach (I'm looking at you, Dan McCarney). They don't have the pomposity, mental acuity, or sheer ego to stare certain failure in the face, and grin, that it takes to be a head coach in Division I football. Some guys are coordinators for life and G Rob is one of them.

The good news is, now the Orange have to travel to Iowa City and face the most ferocious defensive line they'll see all year. I'm predicting pain. Andrew Robinson will be huddled in the fetal position in the corner of the locker room at the half. They'll have to use promises of candy and a pony to get him out for the second half. Throughout the game, he'll pick himself up off the turf after another sack in 3rd & long, he'll go to the sideline looking for help and he'll see that blank look on G Rob's face that will tell him, "you're all alone out there, kid. Good luck." The whole game G Rob will have a faraway look on his face as he's mentally rehearsing what he'll say to Coach Fernentz in their 3 second post game handshake and just how he'll slip his resume to him.



So what's the one thing we need to do this week to win? Not a damn thing. Syracuse is one of the worst teams in college football. They don't pass well, run well, and they don't even tackle. We can go out there, run the same play all day and win. Nothing fancy, nothing cute, nothing creative. Syracuse is the drunk in the bar you don't bother with. You just let them do their thing and they'll fall down on their own. No reason to get your hands dirty with this one, Hawkeyes. Take your 30 points, try for a shutout, and we can all laugh at G Rob's resume after the game.

One more thing, it's a night game and we all know what that means. The tailgates still start at 6am, but instead of filing into Kinnick at 10:30, you drink for an extra 8 hours. I know, it's awesome, and I'm sorry I'm missing this one. However, I still ask that you follow JHC's 3 simple rules for being an Iowa fan:

1) Don't boo.
2) Don't chuck bottles at people (even if it's a dude wearing orange sweatbands).
3) If you drink, don't drive.

Make us proud out there.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NIU QB Dan Nicholson speaks

This is such bullshit.

We got ready for the game by watching film of the Hawkeyes last year, and we were excited. How could we lose? They had good linebackers, a wholly immobile defensive line, and a secondary made of tinder and oily rags. I saw what Kellen Lewis did, and Kellen Lewis is no Dan "The Danimal" Nicholson.

Yeah. So imagine my joy when I drop back on third and decent during our very first fucking series and this #47 asshole doesn't just beat his guy, but then he comes after me so fast that my tailback just falls over instead of picking up the block. Thanks Justin. I'm sure you can stop a pass rush while you're sitting on your ass.

This sucked so much.

It was like that all. game. long. Seriously. I don't know who those fucking Chris Benoit maniacs were, but they kicked our asses. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to play football when you're getting knocked around and a 280-pound superhuman is burying his knee into your manhood? I don't think you do. It's miserable.

Look. I ain't a pussy. I'm "The Danimal!" I've fought through position battles, two-a-days, and that one linebackers coach on my high school sophomore team--the one who was kind of molestery crazy in the locker room. I know what toughness is all about! So believe me when I tell you that last Saturday fucking sucked and fucking hurt. Then there's Coach Novak, telling me to step into my throws and keep my head in the game. Fuck that.

Sorry for not stepping into a helmet aimed straight at my aorta, coach.

Those Iowa guys did damn near everything right. Yeah, we were within a couple scores, but even I knew we weren't going to win. Don't believe me? Watch the tape again. Lord knows Coach Novak's gonna make us. We had one shot at the end zone, and Greg (Turner) tipped it to that #13 guy. Great. Like he needed another pick.

That was it. That was the only shot we had at the end zone. The rest of the time, I had to deal with shit like this:

I didn't see getting my ankle wrecked in the gameplan.

no seriously, thanks guys. I felt like being the meat of a prison rape sandwich.

If Coach Novak wants me to get back out there against a team like that again, fuck it. Let him go five minutes against a real defense like that. Let him find out what it's like to get killed while you complete half your passes. Let him get angry after three picks and no shots at touchdowns whatsoever. Otherwise, fuck this, I am done.

Here's The Thing

Every week we'll be bringing you the "most important thing" to watch for that week in Iowa's game. Whether you're an expert or a novice, you'll be able to look for one thing and know, right away, if the Hawkeyes are going to win. This week is particularly easy:

If we stop the run up the middle, we win.

It really is that simple. If you look at film from 2002-2004 you'll find an Iowa team that was damn near impossible to attack up the gut. We forced opponents into 2nd & 9's and 10's which immediately applies pressure to the opponent's Offensive Coordinator. It's the 1st quarter and he's forced to go off script. He wants to establish the run and show those farmboys who's boss, so he calls another run. It fails too, and now they're in 3rd & long. You want to know the only statistic that matters to the great and powerful JHC? Opponent's yards to go on 3rd down. Doesn't sound sexy but if you dominate this category it wins more games than anything else. Turnovers, dropped passes, and special teams are fluky. They're difficult to control and impossible to predict but if you keep your opponent in 3rd & long you will win 100% of the time. This is science and therefore cannot be disputed.

3rd & long forces your opponent to throw and that's when bad things happen, man. You might think throwing is fun, but ask a grizzled Offensive Coordinator and they'll tell you that there are 3 possible results (completion, incompletion, interception) from a pass attempt and 2 of them are bad. It also forces their quarterback to think and there's nothing an OC hates more than that. They don't want some college kid free lancing and making decisions out there. It takes the control out of their hands and it gives them ulcers.

The other result of a passing situation is the sack and nothing fuels a defense more than a sack. All the D talks about all week is hitting the QB and once they get a taste of him on game day they become obsessed. One guy gets a taste and the whole pack wants some. They start passing the QB around like a teen runaway at a biker rally. It's a beautiful thing.

The biggest difference between our good teams and our... ahem... average teams of the last 2 seasons has been our commitment to stopping the run up the gut. As you may know, Defensive Coordinator Norm Parker doesn't do much in the way of adjustments. We give you pretty much the same look in every situation and it's up to you to beat us. Stopping the run is about attitude and focus. I'm not sure how to say this, but basically, our attitude has been soft and our focus has been elsewhere. The strength of this year's team is our defensive line. Kenny Iwebema, Mitch King, Matt Kroul, and Bryan Mattison all have a legitimate shot at 1st Team All Big 10. You think they aren't going to compete? You think one of these guys wants to be the one who doesn't get mentioned at the end of the year? They do their job and we win 10 games. They don't and it's going to be another long season. The success or failure of this team lies in their hands and they know it. You watch the first half of the game today and you'll know it too.

We've been waiting for 8 months and game day is finally here. It's a new season and we can finally get the bad taste from last year out of our mouth. So let's agree to bury it and look forward to this year and starting fresh.
If you're going to the game and tailgating, please follow JHC's 3 simple rules:

1) Don't boo.
2) Don't chuck bottles at people (even if it's a girl in an Ohio State sweatshirt).
3) If you drink, don't drive.

Make us proud out there.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happier thoughts

We've probably paid too much attention to the miscreants in the Hawkeye family, so let's dial the Wayback Machine to September 2006 and remember better times in Iowa history.


The sheer feat of nine straight plays is, to be sure, amazing. I still have cannot get over the tackle Klinkenborg makes at the goal line. If he takes that direct line to the QB, all he accomplishes is knocking Patterson down as he crosses the goal line. Somehow he had the wherewithal to cross Patterson's face, square up, and drive him backwards at the 1-yard line. As stuffs go, it is picture perfect. Also, watch a healthy Mitch King wreak complete havoc in the interior line. If he can keep both his legs near 100%, he'll be a terror inside the tackles again.

Deep breaths, Hawkeye fans. We're but 10 days away from real football. Our long statewide nightmare will finally be over.

Back on the Chain Gang

So, just when we thought it couldn't get any worse...

An arrest warrant has been issued for backup quarterback Arvell Nelson for failure to appear in court for a traffic ticket.

The 19-year-old freshman was cited in early July for driving with a suspended license. He failed to pay the fine or show up for his court hearing. Officials say Nelson has contacted the police department about the matter. (CBS 4)

"It's Just Ciroc, Your Honor, and thank you."

I decided it was time for me to check in with The Hawkeye Compulsion's resident legal analyst, the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. He agreed that this is pretty damn minor. Arvell will likely get a tongue lashing from whatever judge he appears before, pay his fine, and that will be it. But it's awful timing to begin with, only made worse by its proximity to the season opener.

Now, as for DD and Bowman, OPS correctly laid out the law at issue. In black and white, they both face Class D felonies. But as first offenders who only stole $2000, they are likely to get a deal to stay out of jail. In fact, there's an outside chance of a deferred judgment that would keep them off probation. It's not to say they should return to the team (I haven't heard anyone arguing they should play this season, and most agree this is probably a Gots To Go situation), but it's unlikely DD or Bowman spend any time at 5th and Capitol (let alone Fort Leavenworth, as initially reported).

Finally, I asked Ciroc how he would defend these two. His words were poetic and moving, as always:

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell into some ice and was thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes, when I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, 'Are they stealing my soul?' I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martini cocktails he's so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. Sometimes, when I'm watching a football game on my 60-inch high-definition television, I think, 'Are there demons inside this box controlling what I see?' I don't know. My simple caveman mind cannot grasp these concepts.

"But there is one thing I do know. I know that when a person, such as my client, logs onto a public university computer with his personally identifiable login identification and uses stolen credit card numbers to buy $2000 worth of hats and baggy shorts, he is simply too stupid to go to jail. Thank you."

Ciroc's words would certainly move the jury to acquittal. He does it every time.

Anton Narinskiy believes Impossible Is Nothing

HawkMania (I will link to them on a daily basis and you will enjoy it, readers) had a wonderful profile on Russian native Nikolai Volkoff Anton Narinskiy, whose last name will probably be the word verification in the comments. If we had that.

Essentially, the guy's family dragged him over here from Russia when he was 8. He taught himself English in school, became a 2-sport all-star, and only showed up at high school for football and wrestling practice by the time he was a senior; he was over at the community college the rest of the time.

Narinskiy, intent on making you look bad, showed up with 35 credits and has already graduated. In addition, he has allegedly* learned 15 more languages, made up four of his own, and graduated from six more universities with honors. Summa cum motherfucking laude, baby.

Actually, hold on a second. Funny Russian name? Star athlete? Academic freak of nature? I think we've already heard of this guy...

Son of a bitch.



*allegedly = in my imagination

11 practices? Sounds like it's time for a press release!

We got a telegram from the UI sports department today:

HELLO FANS WE MISS YOU STOP ITS VERY HOT OUT STOP MORALE IS HIGH AFTER ELEVEN PRACTICES STOP ONLY DACE AND KANELLIS ARE INJURED HOPE THEY GET BACK SOON STOP SEE YOU SATURDAY STOP LOVE KIRK

Okay, so that's not what they sent out. It was a regular press release. Sadly.

The ICPC's HawkCentral.com released the sports information office's missive this afternoon, and all that stuff I listed above is literally the entirety of the useful information therein. The full text is as follows:

Iowa’s football team has completed 11 pre-season practice sessions (thru Tuesday) and Head Coach Kirk Ferentz likes the direction his team is moving in. And, he’s looking forward to Saturday’s open to the public scrimmage in Kinnick Stadium.

“We’ve got in 11 practice sessions,” said Ferentz. “Overall, I’m pretty pleased with the direction this team is headed. We’ve done a pretty good job working through some extreme heat. Despite the hot weather, our attitude has been good thus far.”

The Hawkeyes are keeping their fingers crossed on the injury front. Only two players have missed significant practice time in the pre-season camp.

“The only bad thing to report, at this point, is the fact we’ve had a couple of injuries to veteran players that has kept them out of competition for the majority of camp. Dace Richardson and Alex Kanellis have been out of practice the majority of the time back. We hope to get them back soon.”

The 2007 Hawkeyes will greet the public for the first time Saturday during a scrimmage open to the public at no charge. Gates (A, B & E) on the west side of Kinnick Stadium will open at 10 a.m. with practice set to begin at 11 a.m. The session is expected to last approximately two hours. Players will be available 30 minutes for autographs following practice. The concession stands will be open, selling products at a reduced cost.

“Hopefully we’ll have good weather Saturday,” said Ferentz. “We’re looking forward to a good scrimmage in front of a great crowd. I hope our fans take advantage of this opportunity. A good crowd will add to the environment for the players and make for a more spirited workout.”

The Hawkeyes open the season Sept. 1st against Northern Illinois at Chicago’s Soldier Field. The home opener is a week later against Syracuse (7:05 p.m.). Both games are sold out.

Happy Monday, folks

We spent the weekend working on a shocking expose of Illinois head coach Ron Zook. We'll be bringing that to you throughout the week, depending on how quickly our lawyers tell us we can print certain parts.

Past that, the Harty Party wants you to not talk about certain things anymore, days after it's all his paper talked about. Thanks Pat, you lovable syrup-covered hack.

The QC Times, of course, opted to run a real article instead, this one a great profile on redshirt freshman Julian Vandervelde, a 6'3", 295 pound teddy bear.

There is a reason Vandervelde is the way he is — why he didn’t hesitate before standing up and singing Phantom of the Opera’s “All I Ask of You” in front of teammates and their families and Texas players and their families at a talent show leading up to the Alamo Bowl last December, why he felt totally comfortable offering his rendition of the National Anthem to thousands of rallying democrats at a Hillary Clinton campaign stop this summer in Iowa City.

BO-RING! Wake me up when he's a champion yodeler. The Stars 'n Bars are so played out these days; I'll be impressed when someone walks up to a microphone and belts out the theme from the Price is Right's Cliff Hangers game.

He garnered all-state honors as a member of the debate team, excelled in forensics, authored award-winning poems and short stories, was the lead in the school play and continued to sing in the choir and play in the band — all while maintaining a 3.75 grade-point average.

Still not a fucking yodeler.

The article contains an unusual amount of trepidation when it comes to his actual playing ability--a strange sight indeed, when you're doing a puff piece during the summer. It even contains the cryptic threat of "don't call him a football player." Eric, don't pull a Nancy Clark on us. The guy's on scholarship for football, not poetry. He's penciled in as the starting left guard. He's a football player. He's not only a football player, but who's going to make that argument in the first place?

You don't have to hack your way through a profile, Eric. Don't bring yourself down to the level of every other sportswriter in the entire state.

That's the least of what you are.

Tony Cornelius commits to the Hawkeyes

Tony Cornelius, a tailback from Boca Raton, committed to the Hawkeyes today. While I'm sure there's a specific number of stars arbitrarily attached to his name (somewhere between 1-4), the great news is that is father is The Don Cornelius*.

One can only assume that the Iowa football program will take the opportunity to become the hippest trip in the Big Ten.

They're known as the hit makers, record breakers, party makers. They'll make your knees freeze, your back crack, your liver quiver, and your hip pop and jump out the socket. If you don't dig that, you got a hole in your soul. If you don't dig this mess, you came to the wrong address.

The best part? Goodbye swarm:


...and hello, Soul Train line!

Man, these games are gonna take forever.



*categorically false. you drinking this early? -ed

If you haven't been to HawkMania.com recently, you ought to

The state of Iowa, while a good source of writers, is far from an attractive destination. It is, no doubt, frustrating for parents to try to encourage their young children to read the newspaper, only to find out that their easily impressionable minds are subjected to hacks like Nancy Clark and Pat Harty (or even worse, us).

Child: "Daddy, daddy! I read the newspaper like you told me to, and I learned from Nancy Clark that the Hawkeyes start white receivers because Kirk Ferentz is racist!"
Father: "There is no hope for this world." (commits suicide)

That's why it's been refreshing to read Eric Page's comprehensive coverage of the Hawkeyes from the Big 10 media conference for the QC Sun-Times. His July 31 article on Jake Christensen, while drenched in unnecessary second-person perspective ("Curious now, you moved a little bit closer." is just creepy), is nonetheless the clear-cut best player profile to be written this season. Then there's the thankless task of providing analysis of an online poll that only about 200 people bothered voting in:

With Christensen, it’s obvious — as the quarterback goes, the team goes, right? But the guy is a first-year starter, and first-year starters — especially at quarterback — take time to develop in the Big Ten. So I can see a scenario where Christensen doesn’t have that great of a year, but Iowa still is able to have success. If the offensive line can gel and the running game can dominate and if the defense can shut down opponents and create turnovers, all the quarterback is going to have to do is not make mistakes, which wouldn’t necessarily make him a huge impact guy.

Sounds logical enough, right? Okay, but where has anything as sane as that been anywhere else in the state? Let's take a look at some gems from the DM Register's Sean Keeler and the ICPC's Pat Harty.

Harty's last article was about listening to Bryan Mattison. Naturally, the first quote doesn't come until 10 grafs in--and it's from linebacker Mike Klinkenborg. Even in that instance, though, the notion that Harty is a blithering retard is merely implicit. Never one for subtlety, though, Harty removes all doubt later in the same article:

Bryan also became agitated when I told him that some fans have asked me whether Ferentz has lost some of the magic that helped him rebuild the football program.

"I wouldn't even answer that question if I was you," Bryan said. "Coach Ferentz is one of the best coaches in the nation.

"If I knew what a magic touch was, I don't think he's lost it. Those people that ask that question don't know anything about football."

Good move, Harty. Ask a classy player to toss his coach under the team bus. The worst part is that Harty fucking enjoys doing that. He worded his question quite purposefully and carefully, characterizing the skeptics as "some fans," when a much more accurate description would be "some fans named Pat Harty." If he thought it was a terrible, baseless question, he wouldn't have asked it. He can explain it away with the notion that he's just "stirring the pot," but that's just a nice euphemism for "being a little shit."

Then there's Keeler, cramming football metaphors into a cable story with all the grace and nuance of a 32-DD breast enhancement surgery. From the story titled "Big Ten Network Needs To Punt":

Delany, the Big Ten’s commissioner, downplayed media concerns Tuesday at the Hyatt Regency in Chicago, declaring that negotiations between the Big Ten Network and major cable providers were simply “at halftime.”

Actually, there’s 6 minutes left in the fourth quarter, he’s down about three touchdowns, and the clock is ticking. If somebody doesn’t throw a Hail Mary, Iowa fans are going to be left in the dark.

So they have to punt, then throw a Hail Mary, then they'll be down by 14 late in the fourth quarter? What does that even mean?

At the very least, we've got Marc Morehouse up at the Gazette giving us what we really need to read over coffee and eggs:

However, a locker room sprint at the end of the first half against Ohio State in mid-September was more alarming to Paterno's ego.

"I didn't get sick. I got diarrhea,'' the 80-year-old Paterno said.

God bless you, Morehouse. You've put me in a good enough mood to spare everyone the Pat Harty Avalanche.

Here's a puppy instead. You're all so lucky.