HERE'S THE THING: WEEK 2 - THE RESUME GAME

Syracuse travels to Iowa today for what I like to call a "resume game" for Greg Robinson. He knows he can't win, he's waiting to be fired at his current job, and he's just looking for a soft place to fall. You watch him when he greets Coach Ferentz at the end of the game, that's not a playsheet he's surreptitiously handing him, it's a resume. Hang on, first, let me tell you how Greg Robinson got here.

Greg Robinson: Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. That was the tag on G Rob for 20 years. He was a career assistant, primarily with the Denver Broncos, where he was the defensive coordinator when they won Super Bowls in both '97 & '98. He was a well respected coach but never got a head coaching job. His name was bandied about for countless jobs and he'd interview, but the team would "go in another direction". It was a mystery (to some). Finally, in 2005, he found someone to ch-ch-choose him. Greg Robinson and Syracuse said "I do" and he was finally a head coach.

He was the guy expected to bring their program back to prominence. They were thinking Heismans, bowl games, and conference titles. Things were looking grand! But tragedy struck this happy couple in their very first year of marriage. They were a bad fit, and moreover, Robinson was a shitty head coach. They won 1 game in his first season, coming off consecutive 5 win seasons under the much maligned Paul Pasqualoni. The natives were instantly restless but anxious to see what Robinson could do with "his boys" in the program. In 2006, after a narrow loss to Iowa in 2 OTs, they ripped off 3 wins in a row. It'd been a bumpy road but they were a happy couple again. They were thinking about a bowl game and maybe, just maybe, a conference title. But alas, they lost their next 5 games and things went to hell in a handbasket. In 2 seasons, Robinson had managed to have more losing seasons (yeah, 2) than Pasqualoni did in his 14 years as HC.



After a rough offseason where he shook a lot of hands, kissed a lot of babies, and told a lot of lies, G Rob had people convinced this was the year. There was talk of wreaking havoc in the Big East. They opened at home against the curiously ineffective Ty Willingham and the Washington Huskies. It was time for the Orange to put the squeeze on someone else for a change (I'm sorry). They came out of the gates like a drunken sailor, throwing enthusiastic punches around, flailing wildly, with none of them connecting. The Huskies beat the shit out of them on both sides of the ball. Syracuse managed to average 0.3 YPC on the ground against 2006's last ranked defense in the Pac 10 (also in that conference: Stanford). What's worse, on the defensive side of the ball, Robinson's forte!, they managed to make Jake Locker (no way is that a real name) look like Vince Young. If Beano Cook was alive he'd proclaim him a lock for 4 Heismans. It was one of those career/program defining games, partially because it was the opener on national television, but mostly because it was time for Robinson to deliver on all of his promises at once. He failed, let the whole family down (again), and this marriage is over. The worst part is, everyone knows it, and they're resigned to wait until someone finally puts in the paperwork to end it. Some people just aren't cut out to be a head coach (I'm looking at you, Dan McCarney). They don't have the pomposity, mental acuity, or sheer ego to stare certain failure in the face, and grin, that it takes to be a head coach in Division I football. Some guys are coordinators for life and G Rob is one of them.

The good news is, now the Orange have to travel to Iowa City and face the most ferocious defensive line they'll see all year. I'm predicting pain. Andrew Robinson will be huddled in the fetal position in the corner of the locker room at the half. They'll have to use promises of candy and a pony to get him out for the second half. Throughout the game, he'll pick himself up off the turf after another sack in 3rd & long, he'll go to the sideline looking for help and he'll see that blank look on G Rob's face that will tell him, "you're all alone out there, kid. Good luck." The whole game G Rob will have a faraway look on his face as he's mentally rehearsing what he'll say to Coach Fernentz in their 3 second post game handshake and just how he'll slip his resume to him.



So what's the one thing we need to do this week to win? Not a damn thing. Syracuse is one of the worst teams in college football. They don't pass well, run well, and they don't even tackle. We can go out there, run the same play all day and win. Nothing fancy, nothing cute, nothing creative. Syracuse is the drunk in the bar you don't bother with. You just let them do their thing and they'll fall down on their own. No reason to get your hands dirty with this one, Hawkeyes. Take your 30 points, try for a shutout, and we can all laugh at G Rob's resume after the game.

One more thing, it's a night game and we all know what that means. The tailgates still start at 6am, but instead of filing into Kinnick at 10:30, you drink for an extra 8 hours. I know, it's awesome, and I'm sorry I'm missing this one. However, I still ask that you follow JHC's 3 simple rules for being an Iowa fan:

1) Don't boo.
2) Don't chuck bottles at people (even if it's a dude wearing orange sweatbands).
3) If you drink, don't drive.

Make us proud out there.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S GO TIME! (part 2)

So, the Zooker read my gambling post (below this one) and was a little miffed he didn't get mentioned. He's been calling me at least once a week since the Big 10 Media Conference. I finally gave him my AIM so he'd lay off on the drunk dials. The following is the unedited chat log from our conversation at 3:30 this morning:

3:34 AM

ZookHook: what up, brah???

3:35 AM

ZookHook: YO!! I see yer lite. I know ur in there. Answer meow or im callin yah!
WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

3:36 AM

JHC: Hey.

ZookHook: awwww you shoulda been thurr tonite! IT WAS EPIOC!!
you wereeent sleepin were yah?/
LOLZ!!!11

JHC: I was. Shouldn't you be... preparing? I mean, you had a rough game last week...

ZookHook: pfffffffftttttt. We tottally beat em. Forget the scorez they know who won! Fuck yeah! Team America!! You kow whut movie thatz from?

3:37 AM

JHC: Yeah. Seriously, you guys gonna win this week?

ZookHook: Who we play?

JHC: Dude. Seriously. You have a game in 36 hours. Do you really not know who you're playing?

ZookHook: Fuck off! I know... itz in Champagne?

JHC: ...it's Champaign, Z.

ZookHook: "it's Champaign, Z!! I'm Big Boy!! Lissen to my facts!!! I know ALL!!!11
ROFLMAO!!!

3:38 AM

JHC: Fuck it. I'm going to bed, asshole. Have fun.

ZookHook: NO!!! Dont hangup! Zooker cant sleeep> We still hitting the town when I come to the IC on ROCtoBeR 11?

JHC: You play Iowa on the 13th, Z.

ZookHook: Yeah yeah butt i wuz plannig to cum up a couple dayz early soz we could go out. Didjoo tell OPS I'm crashin wit himm>?

JHC: Z. For the last time, you cannot come up early to party. You have a game to prepare for and Iowa's fucking good this year. I really think you need to take this seriously.

ZookHook: gawwdd... yur killin mah buzz... arrrr you outtaa that shampppooo i sentcha?? I ogt lotz more

JHC: It's the pills, isn't it?

ZookHook: bigg tyme

JHC: You realize they're expecting you to go to a bowl game this year, right? Those recruits didn't come cheap.

ZookHook: fuck... i know... hey, joo ever ask coaach Fairrentz if he wuz hirin?

JHC: It's Ferentz, and, no. He wouldn't hire you, Z. No way.

3:42 AM

3:43 AM

3:44 AM

JHC: uhhhhh.... Z? You pass out again?

ZookHook: aaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhh fuckkkk! My here!! WHERM I AT?

JHC: At your desk, I presume?

JHC: By the way, you play Western Illinois this week.

ZookHook: Seriesly? Whaz the line?

JHC: They're I-AA so there is no line.

ZookHook: Zookers goindown, broseph...

JHC: Good luck Saturday.

ZookHook: gggaaaaaahhhhh....

IT'S GO TIME!

We don't gamble here at THC. It's a dangerous habit that's torn away at our nation's fabric. It's particularly disturbing when you read how many college kids are throwing away hard earned beer money to bookies. It's a national tragedy. However, we can't stop you from gambling and we're not judging you. In fact, we're here to help! So if you're going to gamble, stop by here first, and we'll guide you through the fog of your addictions. I know, you're probably getting the shakes, so, go ahead and read the story.



Notre Dame @ Penn State (-17)

My first thought was, that's a lot of points. I know, I know, the Irish suck, and yes, I hate them too. However, I'm hearing rumblings from Happy Valley that they're going to kill Lil Jimmy Clausen. Now, that may be true, but let's not forget that just last year Penn St got taken out behind the woodshed by Mr Fat and the Lepres, 41-17. Notre Dame is a different team this year, to be sure, but I wouldn't spend too much time watching film from your game, or theirs, from last week, lest you look past them and get upset at home by the nation's second biggest laughingstock. Penn State wins but take the points and put your money on Notre Dame. Speaking of laughingstocks -


Oregon @ Michigan (-8.5)
This is the most intriguing game of the week, and again, seems like a lot of points. The Big Blue Nation did not take their loss well last week. In fact, they're still talking about it. That's all they're talking about. Looking backwards is the quickest way to get your head removed in football. I haven't heard many mentions of the fact that they play Oregon. The Ducks have a shitload of talent at the skill positions and they also happen to run the same spread offense that bedeviled the Wolverines!!! last week. Thankfully, for Michigan, they're at home, as they are 6 out of their first 7 games (hooray for level playing fields!). If I'm Llllloyd! (and thank gawd I'm not), I'm hoping Mike Hart plays all 4 quarters and gets the chains moving early and often. Last thing I want is the crowd jumping on Henne's skittish ass early on or this really could be a lost season. I see a lot of similarities in these teams. They both have a tremendous amount of talent, great offenses, soggy defenses, and a penchant for showing up a couple times a year with their heads buried in their cavernous assholes. It'll be interesting to see who wants this one. If I'm a gambling man, I'm putting momma's house on Oregon.
Fun Fact: Oregon has been shutout all three times they played at the Big House. I'm thinking this streak comes to an end.



Wisconsin @ UNLV (+27)

After last week, Tyler Donovan left me wondering what the hell John Stocco was doing starting the last 3 seasons. He looked spectacular while throwing for 3 TD's and running for another. Scoring points should not be a problem against the Runnin' Rebels but can they stop them? UNLV will run the ball, relentlessly, and if you're a Wisky fan you have to hope coach Bielema's nasty demeanor will translate to his defensive line which got gashed for 5 yards a pop last week against Wazzu. This game will tell me a lot about the Badgers, who appear to the Big 10's most solid opportunity at a National Championship. Like the other games above, I'm advising you to take the points and the dog.

That's it for this week, and remember, bet as much as you want, I really don't give a shit, it's not my money. Just don't be gambling on every game out there. Pick 3 and bet as much as you want on them. That's why they call it gambling!
Good luck.

Here's The Thing

Every week we'll be bringing you the "most important thing" to watch for that week in Iowa's game. Whether you're an expert or a novice, you'll be able to look for one thing and know, right away, if the Hawkeyes are going to win. This week is particularly easy:

If we stop the run up the middle, we win.

It really is that simple. If you look at film from 2002-2004 you'll find an Iowa team that was damn near impossible to attack up the gut. We forced opponents into 2nd & 9's and 10's which immediately applies pressure to the opponent's Offensive Coordinator. It's the 1st quarter and he's forced to go off script. He wants to establish the run and show those farmboys who's boss, so he calls another run. It fails too, and now they're in 3rd & long. You want to know the only statistic that matters to the great and powerful JHC? Opponent's yards to go on 3rd down. Doesn't sound sexy but if you dominate this category it wins more games than anything else. Turnovers, dropped passes, and special teams are fluky. They're difficult to control and impossible to predict but if you keep your opponent in 3rd & long you will win 100% of the time. This is science and therefore cannot be disputed.

3rd & long forces your opponent to throw and that's when bad things happen, man. You might think throwing is fun, but ask a grizzled Offensive Coordinator and they'll tell you that there are 3 possible results (completion, incompletion, interception) from a pass attempt and 2 of them are bad. It also forces their quarterback to think and there's nothing an OC hates more than that. They don't want some college kid free lancing and making decisions out there. It takes the control out of their hands and it gives them ulcers.

The other result of a passing situation is the sack and nothing fuels a defense more than a sack. All the D talks about all week is hitting the QB and once they get a taste of him on game day they become obsessed. One guy gets a taste and the whole pack wants some. They start passing the QB around like a teen runaway at a biker rally. It's a beautiful thing.

The biggest difference between our good teams and our... ahem... average teams of the last 2 seasons has been our commitment to stopping the run up the gut. As you may know, Defensive Coordinator Norm Parker doesn't do much in the way of adjustments. We give you pretty much the same look in every situation and it's up to you to beat us. Stopping the run is about attitude and focus. I'm not sure how to say this, but basically, our attitude has been soft and our focus has been elsewhere. The strength of this year's team is our defensive line. Kenny Iwebema, Mitch King, Matt Kroul, and Bryan Mattison all have a legitimate shot at 1st Team All Big 10. You think they aren't going to compete? You think one of these guys wants to be the one who doesn't get mentioned at the end of the year? They do their job and we win 10 games. They don't and it's going to be another long season. The success or failure of this team lies in their hands and they know it. You watch the first half of the game today and you'll know it too.

We've been waiting for 8 months and game day is finally here. It's a new season and we can finally get the bad taste from last year out of our mouth. So let's agree to bury it and look forward to this year and starting fresh.
If you're going to the game and tailgating, please follow JHC's 3 simple rules:

1) Don't boo.
2) Don't chuck bottles at people (even if it's a girl in an Ohio State sweatshirt).
3) If you drink, don't drive.

Make us proud out there.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big 10 Preview: Wisconsin

Wisconsin is a complete enigma. I have no idea how good they're going to be, and I don't really feel like doing research to find out. So, rather than write a half-ass preview, I got a Wisconsin football expert to write the preview for me. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Wisky preview, courtesy of ZTA sorority social co-chair Tabetha Smith


I interviewed Tabetha at Brother's Bar & Grill in Madison.

HS: Thanks for meeting with me to talk Badger football, Tabetha.

TS: I can't believe I'm back at school already! Oh my God summer was so fast! I'm so excited about football! We should get some cheese curds have you ever had cheese curds oh my God they're so good! I love this bar. It's so awesome! Madison is the greatest pla - um, waitress? Can I get some cheese curds? I just love cheese curds!

HS: Yeah, we've established that. Can we get to the foot -

TS: How could you not come to school here? Madison is the best! I love it here! You can always go to State Street and go to the bars. I bet you guys don't have any bars in Iowa City, at least not any like we have here.

HS: Actually, we have a Brother's in Iowa City, just like this -

TS: Oh my God! You guys totally stole our bar! Stealers!

HS: I think it's a franchise -

TS: Whatever, stealers! Gosh, this Miller Lite sure is good. It's so fresh here! Did you know they make Miller Lite in Milwaukee?

HS: Yeah, I heard that somewhere. Can we get to the football? What do you think of Brett Bielema?

TS: Oh, he's soooo cool! He's totally a Wisconsin guy.

HS: Actually, he went to Iowa. He played for Hayden Fry.

TS: No way! He's from Wisconsin! You can tell it just by looking at him. He's so cute! Oh, good, our cheese curds are here. I'm so hungry!

HS: (Happy to get a chance to ask a question as she stuffs her face full of cheese curds) So, the big story has been P.J. Hill dropping a bunch of weight this offseason. Do you think that's going to make him a better running back this season?

TS: Grumble grumble hungry grumble grumble

HS: We'll get back to that later. What about the new quarterback, Tyler Donovan?

TS: (Finally taking a second to swallow) Oh my God! He's really hot. He's in my agricultural journalism class.

HS: Agricultural journalism?

TS: Um, yeah! We only have, like, the best agricultural journalism department in the country!

HS: Does anyone else even offer that? I don't think Iowa State even has ag journalism.

TS: It's very prestigious. OK, seriously, you have to have some of these cheese curds.

HS: In a second, but do you think Donovan is the answer?

TS: Oh, totally. He's going to do - hey Jessica! (What appears to be a small cow makes her way to the table) This is my friend Jessica. She's in Kappa, but we're still BFFs. HAHAHA! Ohmigod Jessica, have some cheese curds! (Jessica dives into the plate like she's Greg Louganis)

HS: Can we talk about P.J. Hill now?

(Jessica suddenly come to life): P.J. Hill? He's in my marketing class. He's so cute!

HS: You two think everyone on the team is cute, don't you?

TS: Um, yeah! I mean, they're football players! Oh my God Jessica, my summer was so great!

HS: Ladies, I hate to break up the reunion, but can we get to the de -

Cow: My summer was so awesome! Wow, these cheese curds are good!

HS: Girls, the defense?

TS: Did you go out with that boy you liked?

I gave up and went to the bar, hoping that we could get to the rest of the team if I waited a few minutes. Two hours and half a bottle of Gentleman Jack later, I went back to the table. Tabetha had finished the majority of our pitcher of Miller.

HS: So, can we talk about the defense? What do you think of -

TS: You want to get some chicken wings?

HS: Fuck it.

Big 10 Preview: Purdue

Fact: Joe Tiller wears a girdle under his dungarees.

Fact: I have a friend in his 30's who still wakes up in a cold sweat with night terrors because he's afraid of Gene Keady.

Fact: Purdue is known for being horrible defensively, yet they've sent more guys from the defensive side of the ball to the NFL than Penn State this century.

Fact: The stupidest (and ugliest girl) I've ever met flunked out of Iowa State, went to Purdue, and graduated with honors.

Fact: Defensive Coordinator Brock Spack originally worked in the San Fernando Valley as a fluffer for Johhny Wadd.

Fact: Purdue hasn't won an outright Big 10 title in Joe Paterno's lifetime.

Fact: During spring practice, Defensive Coordinator Brock Spack asked for ideas on a nickname for his defense, in an effort to get them to play with a nasty attitude. There was a full minute of dumb silence, followed by Offensive Coordinator Bill Legg saying, "how 'bout the Maginot Line?" Despite the best efforts of Spack, the name stuck.

Fact: Dustin Keller is the best tight end in the Big 10.

Fact: Giving up 5 YPC on the ground will give you plenty of free time to watch big time Division I college football on television in January.

Fact: The only way to make people forget you missed a game because of a paintball injury is to get stabbed in the chest.

Fact: 3 Boilermakers is the perfect amount. Never drink 4.

Fact: I started out writing a "real" preview, like a "journalist", but then I read Brian's at mgoblog and decided everyone would be better served if I just led you to his Purdue preview. Enjoy.

Big 10 Preview: Illinois!!

Someone Put The Eyes In Illini! MEEEEOOWWWWW!

The Fighting Illini hail from Champaign-Urbana (pick a city and stick with it, cocksuckers). Their campus has long been home to gentlemen of questionable ethical standards, and current football coach Ron Zook is no exception. He has spent the last off-season luring highly rated prospects to a team that is 1-15 in the Big 10 since 2005, which is clear and blatant evidence of lying, bribery, and possible instances of recruits’ grandmothers being held hostage by men wearing fake Indian headdresses. Nonetheless, the NCAA has decided to let Zook continue his felonious ways for at least one more season without reproach; the thinking must be that his current rate of success is worse than any sanctions the NCAA can impose. That seems fair.
WILL LEITCH says: col-lege foot-ball?

What You Should Know

Illinois is a basketball school, and as mentioned before, those teams are usually pretty fun to meet on the gridiron; nine times out of 10 they suck out loud. Since 2003, that’s been the case for the Whining Illini. The Zooker is back for his third season, and it should be his best yet. Granted, his winning percentage is, according to calculations, “negative eleventy thousand,” so it’s not as if he’s got much more room to drop. Well, unless he volunteers for Locks For Love, then gets busted jacking off in the warehouse.

Aside from the highly plausible confluence of Vidal Sassoon and man juice, the Illini have a slew of young blue-chippers around, including a top-rated wide receiver who joined the team in the spring (probably to save his aunt’s life). Zook is fortunate that the Illini faithful have thus far been more patient than his former employer—as if that’s hard to pull off—because his record thus far has been far worse than the 8-5 year that got him kicked out of Gainesville. Zook is, as a matter of fact, 4-19 in his two seasons at Illinois. 3-19 if you want to be an asshole and only count teams that are in the (ugh) “Bowl Subdivision.”
WILL LEITCH says: Gainesville... that's in Florida.

What You Should Fear

They have a defense. As a matter of fact, they were much stouter than the Hawkeyes on the defensive side of the ball; they gave up only 3.3 yards per rush to Iowa’s 3.6, and they held opposing QB’s to just 182 yards per game through the air. Central to the rush defense is all-Big 10 middle linebacker and THC favorite J Leman (right).

All of that is a bit misleading, of course; opponents spent a sufficient amount of time leading the Illini that they ran the ball 58% of the time; Illinois could stack the line and play for the run more often than not. Regardless, they also spent most of the time losing for the three years prior to 2006, and they were giving up about two full yards more per run then. So let’s not pretend they haven’t nutted up a lot.

Anyway, just about everybody is back on defense; leading the way are cornerback Vontae Davis and Leman. Juice Williams cannot possibly misfire on more than 60% of his passes again (right? um… right??), and he’s got some talent to give the ball to now. In other words, it seems like they can’t possibly suck as bad as they usually do. The degree to which they will improve still, of course, remains to be seen.

The offense looks like it should be good enough. Williams is a physically talented QB who spent much of the offseason working on his mechanics with famed quarterbacks coach, Blaze McHeed. McHeed quickly discovered that the Juice is actually left handed. This should help him in the upcoming season, but he needs to stop letting his mind wander on the field. That seems odd, doesn’t it? An Orange Juice that can’t concentrate.

Sorry.

WILL LEITCH says: Oh shit, a camera. All right, chin down and to the right, eyes up, work the bangs. We can do this, Leitch!

What You Can Probably Laugh At with Confidence

It is the Illini. There’s lots to laugh at. For one, Orange Juice doesn’t even have the silliest name on the team; that would belong either to the aforementioned Aurrelious Benn (SPOILER ALERT: Joaquin Phoenix suffocates him in Gladiator) or the Mullet King (again, right). Questionable parenting aside, there’s also that 2-30 conference record since 2003.

Most importantly, you should take great glee in the fact that their fan base universally hates Iowa. They despise us as a school, team, and fan base. Yeah. Think about it, Iowa fan; do you even care about Illinois? On the list of Iowa rivalries, there’s Iowa State, Minnesota, and Wisconsin dominating the top three; past them, Iowa fans usually care more about the Michigan and Ohio State games more than the rest of the Big Ten opponents. And there’s this team just four hours away that fucking hates our guts. It’s time to relish that fear, to feed on it, and to shove our own apathy back in their mouths.

So, our apologies, Illinois fans. Sorry that you still feel the need to whimper about our assistant coach busting your boy Lou Henson handing out free cars. Sorry that we get all the seriously hot girls from Chicago who spent more time looking good than earning their way into the U of I. Sorry that nobody cared enough about your shitty team to cultivate a rivalry before someone finally called Henson on his shit. Seriously, our bad on this one. And any time you guys want to stop clinging to our nuts, that’s fine.
WILL LEITCH says: We don't get why everyone mocks the bangs anyway. The Zooker recommended them highly. They smell great.

So, Can Iowa Beat Them?

The short answer? Of course Iowa can beat them. It’s Ron Zook vs. Kirk Ferentz. It’s in Kinnick. It’s not as if we’re talking about Michigan here. But it’s not all party favors and streamers here. First of all, as mentioned before, they have a defense. Second, Iowa only took last year’s game by a 24-7 margin; it’s not as if 18-point swings have never happened ever. Realistically, though, the 2008 tilt in Champaign looks much more threatening from the Hawkeyes’ perspective.

If Vegas were to put a spread on this game right now, it would probably look something like Iowa -13.5; for a game in Kinnick against a bottom feeder, even a 2-6 Iowa squad ought to win by two touchdowns. Depending on what both teams do in the first half of the season, that number could swing wildly, but it probably won’t. If it does move much, it’ll probably be in Iowa’s favor. If it dips below 10, Iowa’s season will be in the toilet and you may as well pick up a gambling habit to numb the pain. Once more for the hell of it, J Leman (right).
WILL LEITCH says: Hel-lo, sailor!

What They’ll Do the Rest of the Year

This is awfully tough to figure out; who knows how much the Illini are actually going to improve? Will they implode if Missouri takes the first game by a couple touchdowns or if they can’t get out of the Carrier Dome with a win? What if the Indiana faithful will the Hoosiers to a win in their Big 10 home opener? How Illinois starts the first four games will be crucial to how they finish the conference season. They could go 4-0, or they could go 1-3 (it’s relatively safe to assume that the Illini can take out Western Illinois).

Assuming they’re not world-beaters, they’ll probably be rolling into Iowa City with a 3-3 record, losing to Wisconsin, Penn State, and either Missouri or Syracuse; the Other Orange team won by a deceptively close 31-21 margin in Champaign last season, and they’re also a team on the rise. So once they leave Iowa City with another notch in the L column, life gets a bit better. They have dates with Michigan and An Ohio State University on deck, but the other three games are very winnable (Ball State, Northwestern, and a trip to Minnesota). 6-6 is a fair prediction, as is the subsequent massive over-reactionary contract extension that will keep Zook in the Big 10 for about another decade. This, Iowa fans, should thrill you beyond words.

What we can be sure that they’ll do this year is fill about 40% of their stadium, complain about Iowa, and wear way too much orange for someone who isn’t traipsing through a forest at 5 a.m. with a rifle on their shoulder.
WILL LEITCH says: Orange makes me look splotchy!


"We" would like to thank Mr. JHC for his invaluable help in this nuanced look at the Illinois football team in 2007.

Big 10 Preview: Northwestern

Four days in and we've finally reached Northwestern, red headed stepchild of the Big Ten. So can I get some Charlton Heston (NW '45) up in this motherfucker?


There. Now I'm inspired.

So, where do we start with the Wildcats? They were the only team in the country last season to pull a Michigan State against Michigan State. They were the only 1-A team to lose to New Hampshire (to be fair, they were the only 1-A team to play New Hampshire). And, after an absolute hammering of Iowa in November, they enter the season as the only team on this year's schedule with a 2-game winning streak against our beloved Hawkeyes.

The Good News? Well, the schedule is about as easy as they come. NU opens against Northeastern, Nevada, and Duke (the Duke game will actually be played in a chemistry lab) before opening Big Ten play. The Cats also sandwiched in Eastern Michigan in mid-October (St. Mary's School for the Blind and Retarded was already booked). That should be four wins. That's important, because Northwestern can win at most three games in the conference, and that's only if they catch every single break along the way.


Head coach and local legend Pat Fitzgerald, coming off the successful prosecution of Scooter Libby, is another year older and another year wiser (though still not wise enough to lose the douchebag sunglasses). Cats fans are hoping to say the same about quarterback CJ Bacher, who had a Drew Tate-esque ability to throw the ball into triple coverage at precisely the wrong moment. It's going to be difficult to improve on last season, though, as Northwestern's best receiver graduated and the new #1 just went down with a broken arm. That probably won't help halfback Tyrell Sutton, especially when the Cats' ninja running attack is predicated on spreading the defense. Sure, the spread offense is always scary to us Iowans, but the question remains: Is there anyone on this offense that actually scares you?

As for the defense, there's still no D in Northwestern. The defensive line is average at best, the secondary is Adam Shada bad, and the linebackers (which you would presume to be a strong suit, given the coach) are atrocious beyond words. They fucking suck (OK, so maybe not beyond words). When Northwestern plays Minnesota, the team that wins the toss better receive, because nobody's getting stopped by either of those defenses.

Probably the best news of all for Northwestern fans comes off the field. First, they finally got a legitimate blog at Lake the Posts (when counting down the 10 worst losses in the history of the program this July, LTP ranked the 2000 loss to Iowa as #2 AND #6). Second, their first three games will be shown on the Big Ten Network, thereby ensuring casual fans can't watch on television and might be compelled to actually show up. Well, that or they sit in a froo-froo coffee house and discuss Robert Frost and the Pythagorean theorem. Fucking nerds.

As for the prognosis, I tipped my hand earier. The Cats can and should win their four non-conference games. They get Minnesota and Indiana at home, both probable wins. But, while they could catch Iowa flat-footed (again) or take it to ILLINI or Sparty on the road, I don't see another win on the schedule. That is a 6-6 season, 2-6 in the conference. Bank it.

Big 10 Preview: Indiana

I can't imagine a more difficult situation to go through for a program and a community than watching their coach fade away before their eyes. In a sport where boys are expected to be men and men are expected to be superhuman, weakness and illness aren't something you talk about. Former Indiana Head Coach Terry Hoeppner fought like a champion, lost like a hero, and cannot be replaced. He was one of the few good guys in a filthy profession and I refuse to talk about their new coach or make references to him "replacing" Hep. Moving on.

You can't talk about Indiana football without acknowledging that it's a basketball school. It's unrealistic to have championship aspirations with this program. Additionally, there's the fact that they're on their 3rd coach in 4 years and you've got significant instability as well. The positive aspect of this is that with tempered expectation you've also got the chance to be happy with lesser results. Their non-conference schedule should result in 4 wins. Their Big 10 schedule does not include tOSU or Michigan and while this does not guarantee success, it certainly means you can't automatically add 2 losses to the balance sheet. They have Minnesota, Illinois, and Purdue at home, which are all winnable games. With road games at Michigan State (horrible) and Northwestern (bad) I don't think 8 wins is impossible.

Is Indiana a good team? No. Do they have wide receiver extraordinaire James Motherfucking Hardy? Yes. I just puked in my mouth (burrito) simply by typing his name. Seeing Hardy lineup across from Adam "Shutdown" Shada was akin to seeing your momma go on a date with Shaq. You know he's going to damage her and she'll never be the same, but you're powerless to stop it. He's one of the scariest offensive weapons I've seen in the Big 10 in recent memory. What's more, he's got a quarterback in Kellen Lewis who can throw him the damn ball. Lewis also led the Hoosiers in rushing last season as well. These players are enough to give opposing defensive coordinators nightmares. That's the good news. Now for the bad.

Their defense is historically bad. They were one of the worst 10 units in the country last year. They give up 200 YPG on the ground and put no pressure on opposing QB's. They've always been bad on defense and I see nothing that tells me it's going to change. They have 7 returning starters, which... is not good news. It's like getting back together with an ex who cheated on you and always gave you the small half of the sandwich. You don't want them back but you're resigned to the fact that you can't do any better. However, one of the good things about giving up 5 TD's a game means you get plenty of opportunities to practice your kickoff returns, and this is where Indiana is most dangerous. Last season, Marcus Thigpen (RB/WR) averaged over 30 yards per return and took 3 to the house. That's good enough to be #1 in the nation. Good enough to win a game on his own.

This isn't a good team, to be sure, but for Indiana, they're as good as it gets. They've got some talent at their skill positions, a soft schedule, and I can promise you after the example set by Hep, they won't quit. I think you're going to see a feisty and spirited Hoosier team this year. This season could result in their first bowl game in the history of their program (I didn't verify this, but assume it to be true). Enjoy it Hoosiers, it may never happen again.

Big 10 Preview: Minnesota

You may not realize that the Minnesota Golden Gophers went to 7 bowl games in 8 years under Glen Mason. He may have been a wily old tomcat who spent more time in gin joints than he did watching film. He may have blown a 31 point lead in the second half to lose to Texas Tech in the Insight Bowl last season. He may have once battled me for the affections of an underage co-ed the night before the Kansas/Kansas State game at Kelly's in the mid-90's (while he was the head coach at Kansas). But you can't argue with success and Minnesota won games under Glen Mason. You won't be able to say the same after Tim Brewster's first season as head coach. I'm not convinced Brewster was a good hire, based on the fact that he's never even been a coordinator before. He's been hung with the "great recruiter" tag, which is how he got the job, but can he rebuild a program? Given the Gophers history, he'll get the chance. Their diminished expectations are just what the Doctor ordered for a first time head coach. If he wins 1 game they aren't supposed to this season his first year will be considered a success. Their best shot at an upset is when Purdue comes to town on September 22nd. Yeah, a slim chance at beating Purdue might be the highlight of their season. It's like that. Aren't you excited Gopher fans?

Brewster is replacing Glen Mason's smash you in the face running game with a spread offense. Cool, eh? Problem is, 3-year starter and Minnesota's all-time leading passer Bryan Cupito (I know, he sucked, right? All-time leading passer? Wow. Not a lot of good QB's up there.) is gone. They always had an explosive offense under Glen Mason so I'm giving them a significant downgrade on the offensive side of the ball this season. Will the spread work at Minnesota? Not with inexperienced players at QB and WR it won't. They lost half of 2006's receptions to "graduation". QB1 will likely be the coach's son, Clint Brewster. I love shit like that. I can see them sitting around the nursing home in 20 years when a bitter and still shaken Clint says, "Hey, Pa? 'Member when we couldn't beat North Dakota St, at home? Member when you told those reporters it was my fault? Remember when mom left and you got fired after 2 years and took that job at the dealership in Coon Rapids?" Seriously, this is the only reason to watch Minnesota this year. This school is so far under the radar and has such a crappy PR Department that they had the amazingly awesome Laurence Maroney for 3 years and I didn't know he wore a diamond encrusted Kool-Aid medallion. What they fuck are they doing up there? Someone needs to introduce them to Facebook? Get with the times, mother fuckers.



It's at this point where I'm contractually obligated to talk about their defense (which allowed nearly 500 YPG last year). DE Willie Van DeSteeg is solid. They're bringing in some new guys. They have a new coordinator. So they have to be better this year... or do they? I can't talk about the Gophers D anymore.

The Gophers were 6-7 last season even though they were +18 in Turnover ratio. Translation: They got all the breaks and still couldn't pull out a winning season. What does all of this add up to? A really shitty team. How shitty? Shitty enough that I don't think they'll win a conference game. If they can steal one at Florida Atlantic and squeak one out against I-AA North Dakota State in October, they're staring a 2-10 season right in the face. I'm thinking on the evening of November 3rd (when they get waxed by the Zook Hook), at the Kitty Kat Klub (I did not make that up), deep in the bowels of Gopher Nation, they'll hearken back to the glory days of Glen Mason, shed a few rotund tears into their skunky fucking Pig's Eye, and wonder where it all went wrong. Simultaneously, on a bar stool somewhere in South Florida, a tanned, bemused, wholly intoxicated, Glen Mason will see the Minnesota-Illinois score, bellow a hearty laugh, throw down his tenth shot of Jameson's, and enthusiastically chase a frightened co-ed out the door. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Big 10 Preview: Michigan State

Editor's Note: The season starts in 8 days. Iowa plays 8 Big 10 games so it's time to roll out the previews. Let's start at the bottom, shall we?




Last night, while sleeping in my bed I had a beautiful dream. I was the head coach for a Division I football team in a conference that had their own network. I had talent at every skill position, a rabid fan base, and the coolest mascot around. The players ran the right plays, worked together as a unit, and they never blew a 16 point fourth quarter lead against fucking Notre Dame. The guy who coached before me was clinically insane and completely unable to do his job under pressure. Everyone thought I walked on water and crapped beluga. I had money in my pocket, toys in the garage, and a cock like a Coke can. Food tasted like the nape of a woman's neck, wine tasted like tittays, and pussy tasted like, well, pussy. I was unstoppable.

Then the alarm goes off. I look at the clock and it's 4am. My wife elbows me out of bed and I'm off to work. You might think the worst part of my day is sitting in my caliginous office, all alone, watching game film from the previous season. You have no idea. It's not cool like a horror film, it's more like watching the same snuff film, over and over again. My players have sick talent, no doubt, especially at the skill positions. That's what makes it so hard to watch. They fly around the field, effortlessly, with frightening power and grace. Sadly, they frequently don't wait for the snap. They also run the wrong routes, scream at each other, and then laugh on the sidelines while getting hammered by Indifuckingana. After a couple hours of that, I start to puke blood into my Sparty trash can. That's how I know it's time to look at the schedule.

This is when things get really bad. If things go well (and I just know they won't) we can start out 2-0. This will only put more pressure on me and make it even more embarrassing when we piss the game away Sept 15 against The Wannstache. You probably don't know this, it's kind of a secret, but coaches make fun of Wanny all the time. No one respects him. We think he's a genuine retard. Rumor has it, his wife has to label his shoes "L" and "R" so he puts them on his feet accordingly. And we're gonna lose to them. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. It's gonna be so bad I don't even wanna think about it. Then we have go play AT fucking Notre Dame! I know! After they beat us it's at Wisconsin (loss) and then a couple easy games, one of which we might actually win, and then it's the bad part. The really super bad part. I keep saying this to everyone and they don't believe me, but we have the hardest schedule in the Big 10, maybe the whole wide world! Our last 5 games are @ tOSU, @ Iowa, Michigan, @ Purdue, and we close with Penn St! Fuck! After I look at that for awhile my tummy feels funny and I start to get diarrhea, which tells me it's time to get ready for practice, which is like, totally the worst part of my day.

The players hate me. I thought I was just being paranoid at first, but I went through the showers yesterday and on the wall it said, "we hayte dis koach", in shit. I think showing them the playbook was a mistake. We went over it and all they did was complain about how hard it was. No one said a nice word about it. I worked SO HARD on it too. Just like the speeches I make where I say we're gonna beat Michigan. I really wanted to get everyone excited, like Mr. Tressel did when he took over at tOSU. Heck, I even stole lots of stuff from his speeches. But then when I was trying to sound real confident in front of the cameras, I'd look down and see those defensive lineman talking to each other and snickering at me. I'd like to see you try and sound cool while everyone's laughing at you! I'm not made of stone! It's even worse when we're practicing. The guys always run the wrong way and stuff. I know they're doing it on purpose! I'm not stupid. So when I tell them what they did wrong they laugh at me. Sometimes they say, "Coach, stop clownin'." Yesterday, I told Javon he hit the wrong hole, and I even raised my voice really loud, and he walked right by me, said "wash u ass", and just went back to the locker room. It really hurt my feelings. I know I shouldn't have raised my voice but sometimes I just feel like he just doesn't listen. No one listens to me. They all hate me. I never should have taken this job. I hate it. I hate this school. I hate that fucking creepy mascot. I hate myself. I don't wanna talk about this anymore. I just want them to fire me already and it'll all be over with.

-- Mark Dantonio, 1st year head coach, Michigan State.