Big 10 Preview: Wisconsin

Wisconsin is a complete enigma. I have no idea how good they're going to be, and I don't really feel like doing research to find out. So, rather than write a half-ass preview, I got a Wisconsin football expert to write the preview for me. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Wisky preview, courtesy of ZTA sorority social co-chair Tabetha Smith


I interviewed Tabetha at Brother's Bar & Grill in Madison.

HS: Thanks for meeting with me to talk Badger football, Tabetha.

TS: I can't believe I'm back at school already! Oh my God summer was so fast! I'm so excited about football! We should get some cheese curds have you ever had cheese curds oh my God they're so good! I love this bar. It's so awesome! Madison is the greatest pla - um, waitress? Can I get some cheese curds? I just love cheese curds!

HS: Yeah, we've established that. Can we get to the foot -

TS: How could you not come to school here? Madison is the best! I love it here! You can always go to State Street and go to the bars. I bet you guys don't have any bars in Iowa City, at least not any like we have here.

HS: Actually, we have a Brother's in Iowa City, just like this -

TS: Oh my God! You guys totally stole our bar! Stealers!

HS: I think it's a franchise -

TS: Whatever, stealers! Gosh, this Miller Lite sure is good. It's so fresh here! Did you know they make Miller Lite in Milwaukee?

HS: Yeah, I heard that somewhere. Can we get to the football? What do you think of Brett Bielema?

TS: Oh, he's soooo cool! He's totally a Wisconsin guy.

HS: Actually, he went to Iowa. He played for Hayden Fry.

TS: No way! He's from Wisconsin! You can tell it just by looking at him. He's so cute! Oh, good, our cheese curds are here. I'm so hungry!

HS: (Happy to get a chance to ask a question as she stuffs her face full of cheese curds) So, the big story has been P.J. Hill dropping a bunch of weight this offseason. Do you think that's going to make him a better running back this season?

TS: Grumble grumble hungry grumble grumble

HS: We'll get back to that later. What about the new quarterback, Tyler Donovan?

TS: (Finally taking a second to swallow) Oh my God! He's really hot. He's in my agricultural journalism class.

HS: Agricultural journalism?

TS: Um, yeah! We only have, like, the best agricultural journalism department in the country!

HS: Does anyone else even offer that? I don't think Iowa State even has ag journalism.

TS: It's very prestigious. OK, seriously, you have to have some of these cheese curds.

HS: In a second, but do you think Donovan is the answer?

TS: Oh, totally. He's going to do - hey Jessica! (What appears to be a small cow makes her way to the table) This is my friend Jessica. She's in Kappa, but we're still BFFs. HAHAHA! Ohmigod Jessica, have some cheese curds! (Jessica dives into the plate like she's Greg Louganis)

HS: Can we talk about P.J. Hill now?

(Jessica suddenly come to life): P.J. Hill? He's in my marketing class. He's so cute!

HS: You two think everyone on the team is cute, don't you?

TS: Um, yeah! I mean, they're football players! Oh my God Jessica, my summer was so great!

HS: Ladies, I hate to break up the reunion, but can we get to the de -

Cow: My summer was so awesome! Wow, these cheese curds are good!

HS: Girls, the defense?

TS: Did you go out with that boy you liked?

I gave up and went to the bar, hoping that we could get to the rest of the team if I waited a few minutes. Two hours and half a bottle of Gentleman Jack later, I went back to the table. Tabetha had finished the majority of our pitcher of Miller.

HS: So, can we talk about the defense? What do you think of -

TS: You want to get some chicken wings?

HS: Fuck it.