You will get nothing and like it, Orange-Man.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

If the members of the Big 10 were cars or car-like substances

In ascending order of value...

MICHIGAN STATE
Big Wheel with streamers

HAHAHAHA WHEEEEEEEE THIS IS ENJOYABLE BECAUSE I HAVE THE MENTAL ACUITY OF A FOUR YEAR OLD LETS HAVE A PIZZA PARTY

INDIANA
Ford Probe that got totaled by someone without insurance


They weren't that good to begin with, even before the recent disaster. Now, it's a matter of finding someone willing to put in a lot of effort just to get things back to "two years ago." The choices are a heavy rebuilding operation or rolling with some ass-ugly Pacer, be it an AMC or Troy Murphy. All in all, it's a damned shame.

NORTHWESTERN
Purple Vespa


The vehicular version of a pushover. If you don't have a distinct geographical reason for opting for them (namely, living in Italy or Evanston), you need serious help.

MINNESOTA
Buick Skylark in a garage made of used tampons

They're not particularly popular, good-performing, or even much fun to look at, either in motion or standing still. To top it all off, the place where they're kept is unspeakably awful--does a greater discouragement to visitors even exist? Everyone knows they'd be better off outside.

ILLINOIS
Riced-out Honda Civic built and driven by Stevie Wonder


The exact antithesis of a "whole greater than the sum of its parts." In this instance, there's some definite quality, whether it be a nitrous system or J Leman, but there's practically no chance that it won't end very, very badly.

PURDUE
Mazda Miata

They were sexy a few years ago, but they've never really been physically imposing. Completely useless in the dead of winter.
[NOTE: "Krispy Kreme delivery truck" was too obvious]

IOWA
2002 Saab that just got out of the shop after your teenage son wrecked it


Man, they were a lot better a couple years ago, weren't they? All the "smart people" loved them as the embodiment of valuing substance over flash. Then you put it in the hands of someone who's emotionally fragile and prone to erratic behavior, and it got real ugly, real quick. Nobody's really sure how it happened, but there's not much point in dwelling on it. These days, everything looks better and you'd like to believe it's all fixed, but are you really 100% sure it can run like before?

PENN STATE
1994 Toyota Camry


They're an old standard, one with a look that even a drooling Notre Dame fan could immediately recognize. They hold their value better than anyone else out there, and they're being maintained by a kindly old man who doesn't put any undue wear and tear on them. They've been helped by the occasional upgrades (in this case, starting freshmen like Derrick Williams would be akin to, oh, let's say a CD player).

WISCONSIN
Ford F-250 driven by a total douchebag


Built for one thing, and one thing only: power. They're awfully dangerous when they hit full speed, and they enjoy plowing over defenseless animals (raccoons, Temple Owls). If you see them coming toward you, buckle up; hitting the brakes is for pussies.

MICHIGAN
BMW 760Li


While it's been a few years since you could toss around a label like "best in the world," you'd be crazy not to respect the hell out of them. If you want to talk shit, it'd better be about aesthetics; even then, while they're kind of weird-looking, the look is as distinctive as it is classic. All quality-based criticisms can easily be dismissed as unadulterated jealousy--unless they come from...

OHIO STATE
Aston Martin that runs on the blood of puppies


Without question, the prettiest car on the lot, and boy are they fast. Pure excellence. Nonetheless, there's still an unmistakable stench of reprehensibility to them, whether it's slaughtering man's best friend or the unchecked use of sweater vests. A bumper sticker that says "Satan is my copilot" would just be restating the obvious. In the name of all that is holy and good, fuck them.

43 comments:

MaizenBrew said...

awesome...

I think Wisconsin was my favorite.

The Inevitable Muck-up said...

Pure genious.

storminspank said...

Excellent!

TheJackass said...

Pheonominal! Wiscy was great, but Minnesota and Illinois were awesome, and Iowa was dead on! Here's to a new driver.

JebusHChrist said...

I like the Camry. I know the seats are easy on JoePa's prostate.

Chris said...

Very nice, though I do have a minor quibble on Minnesota. The Dome isn't so bad for visitors. Where else can opposing fans outnumber the home team like they did during the Michigan game last season. And where else can an opposing team's fans run onto the field and tear down the goalposts after a win like Iowa's fans did?

A better choice for Minnesota would be a 1965 Chevy Impala: Great way back in the day, but hasn't worked that well for a couple decades now, and even if you slap a shiny new coat of paint on it, it's still not going to make it all the way to Pasadena.

Oops Pow Surprise said...

Chris: But then where would we fit the feminine hygiene joke? Could we at least cover the Impala in used tampons?

Anonymous said...

Ohio State's Aston Martin just got totaled by Florida's Lamborghini. Right now, they are driving a loner Corolla.

ohiowild said...

Notre Dame? Perhaps a Jaguar? Classic loaded with history that has really been a piece of shit for the past 17 years. Currently driven by a pompous douschebag king with no clothes.

Oops Pow Surprise said...

Let's not think about Chuck Weis disrobing before he climbs (is forced into) his car, ohio. That's just nasty.




(his taint's all greasy and shit)

Mike said...

Absolutely brilliant. As hilarious as any article on EDSBS, if not more so. And in a strange way, I'm actually proud of the PSU entry.

LadyAndrea said...

This was great. I liked Wisconsin. Fuck Bret Bielema.

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha

We have streamers and you don't! I usually put a pinwheel on my ride.

brian estabrook said...

Absolutely fantastic.

As an Ohio State graduate, I have agree with your assessment.. we may be the prettiest car on the lot, but nobody really likes us.

Love the blog.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I love the Iowa entry, hope you guys get back on track now that "the human meltdown" has moved on.
As For Ohio State, we may run on the blood of puppies, but leave the sweater vest alone :P

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Ann Arbor is a Whore said...

haha that was pretty good, too bad your bias for UM over OSU is so obvious. I was born and raised a buckeye and you haters can lick the balls and suck the dick. Go Blow

buckholios rule! yeah! said...

"I was born and raised a buckeye and you haters can lick the balls and suck the dick."

So you are familiar with that maneuver. You could have just said "I was born and raised a buckeye" and we would have know you could do the rest...

Anonymous said...

Wonderful. Very Creative!!! I laughed my ass off. As a Buckeye, I know we do run on the blood of puppies - higher octane. Good luck to all of the Big Ten this year.

plooder said...

I thought the assessment of MSU a touch off. I'm thinking they're more like a late model year Chevy Nova. A car that was once robust and desirable made squalid and weak through mismanagement. Go Bucks!

Anonymous said...

If Ohio State is supposed to be an Aston Martin, what does that make the Gators?! Oh, I know. A McLaren Formula 1 car that runs on the blood of Buckeyes.

Anonymous said...

That was great! wait til us Illini put a tokyo drift on the Big10. :-B

Oops Pow Surprise said...

what does that even mean?

Anonymous said...

Loaner Corolla - isn't that the car that Maurice Clarett was using when it got burglarized?

Badger Fan said...

Freakin' hilarious.....nice work....especially the used tampons reference and the MSU big wheel.

Badger Fan said...

And I should add, nothing better than Iowa fans thinking our coach is a douchebag.....that's icing on the cake.

HawksRock said...

Bielema is a turd

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, I can't stop laughing

Brad said...

Awesome!

As an Illini fan I have to admit this is spot on and funny as hell to boot.

Bandman said...

I'd say you nailed us Buckeye fans right on. Mostly because none of my friends to whom I've sent this thinks that running an Aston Martin on puppy blood is a bad thing.

Anonymous said...

WOW...GREAT!!! Even as an Illini Fan....who can not enjoy that?!

FlippyTheRed said...

I was backing my 760Li out of my driveway today and upon going over the curb, the wheels fell off. I think it's totalled.

Oops Pow Surprise said...

You're right, flippy; upon further review, the 760Li seems to have a slight defect.

double secret rotation said...

Its 2:00 am on the left coast and this Hawkeye fan has a serious case of the shits and giggles reading this. If you've got insomnia, hell, you might as well enjoy it.

"Blood of puppies" - are you guys high or drunk when you write this stuff... it is absolutely brilliant.

Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with the Michiganmobile that a new Carr-burator wouldn't fix.

Bucky Badger said...

Too bad my F150 ran over your ass!

JHC said...

hunh

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stokdyk said...

Hey there, my friends and I have read this post over and over again and love it.

In homage to your post, I have created one that offers car (or car like substance) equivalents for a handful of BCS teams. I hope you will come check it out.

http://stokdyk.blogspot.com/2008/11/if-top-bcs-teams-were-cars.html

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