Wha Happened? Week 2

Iowa 35 - Syracuse 0

We will, of course, go over this game in much more detail tomorrow, but here's what you need to know: the Iowa defense is very good, and the Syracuse football team is not. The Flyin' Hawaiian, TE Tony Moeaki, gained more yards in three quarters than Syracuse did all game long. It's not time to start reserving your tickets to Pasadena yet, but the plain and simple fact is that Iowa hasn't played a game like that in years.

Illinois 21 - Western Illinois 0

The Illini looked sluggish to start the game, and The Juice only passed for 90 yards. More ominously, the Zooker spent the entire third quarter with a football helmet on. We're worried.

Indiana 37 - Western Michigan 27

This score is somewhat deceptive; Indiana built a 27-point lead early in the 3rd quarter, and after the Broncos' two-point conversion failed with 8:48 remaining, they didn't threaten again until it was far too late. Indiana probably won't be playing on January 1 this season, but considering their schedule and how lame the lower echelon of the Big 10 looks, it's awfully hard to rule out four or five wins in the conference.


#19 Oregon 39 - Michigan 7

Everybody knew giving Oregon seven points was fucking ridiculous, but nobody but the most irrationally pessimistic could have predicted an ass-kicking like this. Michigan fans were booing before the first half was over, Chad Henne was injured and may not play next week, and Mike Hart is losing his mind. Then there was Lloyd's baffling postgame speech, where he said that even if he loses his job (read: is fired) he won't be kept down. Uh, okay? That wasn't really what anyone was interested in, but okay.

Michigan State 28 - Bowling Green 17

The Spartans won this slapfight because oh wait nobody cares.


Minnesota 41 - Miami University 35

Minnesota and Miami both fought desperately to wrest defeat from the jaws of victory, but with the advent of overtime, there can only be one loser. Both teams missed easy field goals in the second overtime before Amir Pinnix put the misery out of its, uh, misery. One bonus of the highlights is the laughably underpopulated Metrodome. Was that place even half-full?

Northwestern 36 - Nevada 31

Nevada blew a 24-10 lead, got it back late to go up 31-27, then let Northwestern drive 80 yards in about a minute, culminating in a 13-yard score with just 21 seconds to go. It was tremendously exciting football between two bad teams. No word on whether any posts were "laked."

#10 Ohio State 20 - Akron 2

The Buckeyes also sputtered against a non-BCS team (jeez, Big 10), but as soon as they kicked the field goal to go up 3-2, this game was over. Akron was Syracusian on offense; they punted 14 times and only managed three first downs. Ohio State's defense remains scary-good.


#12 Penn State 31 - Notre Dame 10

Joe Paterno remained terrifying, but the real story was the Notre Dame offense's continued ineptitude on offense, as the only Irish touchdown came from an interception return. This is particularly baffling, because as we all know, Chuck Weis is the greatest offensive mind in college football history. Imagine how much worse this loss would have been if Tyrone Willingham were still around! He's probably pissing everyone off in

Washington 24 - #17 Boise State 10

Oh.

Purdue 52 - Eastern Illinois 6

Curtis Painter threw six TD's on 49 passes against Eastern Illinois. Was that really necessary, Tiller?

#7 Wisconsin 20 - UNLV 13

The Badgers have never really been effective against a spread offense, so this score isn't too much of a surprise. I don't think anyone in Camp Randall is contemplating pressing the panic button yet, and they should be right back on track next week against the Citadel. Then after that... Iowa.


Northern Iowa 24 - Iowa State 13

Oh dear. Iowa State's listless performance against UNI pushed the members of Iowa's non-conference slate to 0-8, and 0-12 is easily possible after next week; only NIU has a reasonable shot at winning. The Cyclone defense forced no turnovers and only six incompletions on 29 attempts. It is reasonable to assume that Iowa State will be the worst of Iowa's four non-conference opponents. After last week, that seems stunning, but come on. They were down 24-6 until midway through the fourth quarter.

South Florida 26 - Auburn 23

This game has absolutely nothing to do with the Big 10, but any time a member of the Hayden Fry coaching tree (Jim Leavitt) wins a game this big, it makes our black hearts and gold pants swell with pride.

IT'S GO TIME! (part 2)

So, the Zooker read my gambling post (below this one) and was a little miffed he didn't get mentioned. He's been calling me at least once a week since the Big 10 Media Conference. I finally gave him my AIM so he'd lay off on the drunk dials. The following is the unedited chat log from our conversation at 3:30 this morning:

3:34 AM

ZookHook: what up, brah???

3:35 AM

ZookHook: YO!! I see yer lite. I know ur in there. Answer meow or im callin yah!
WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

3:36 AM

JHC: Hey.

ZookHook: awwww you shoulda been thurr tonite! IT WAS EPIOC!!
you wereeent sleepin were yah?/
LOLZ!!!11

JHC: I was. Shouldn't you be... preparing? I mean, you had a rough game last week...

ZookHook: pfffffffftttttt. We tottally beat em. Forget the scorez they know who won! Fuck yeah! Team America!! You kow whut movie thatz from?

3:37 AM

JHC: Yeah. Seriously, you guys gonna win this week?

ZookHook: Who we play?

JHC: Dude. Seriously. You have a game in 36 hours. Do you really not know who you're playing?

ZookHook: Fuck off! I know... itz in Champagne?

JHC: ...it's Champaign, Z.

ZookHook: "it's Champaign, Z!! I'm Big Boy!! Lissen to my facts!!! I know ALL!!!11
ROFLMAO!!!

3:38 AM

JHC: Fuck it. I'm going to bed, asshole. Have fun.

ZookHook: NO!!! Dont hangup! Zooker cant sleeep> We still hitting the town when I come to the IC on ROCtoBeR 11?

JHC: You play Iowa on the 13th, Z.

ZookHook: Yeah yeah butt i wuz plannig to cum up a couple dayz early soz we could go out. Didjoo tell OPS I'm crashin wit himm>?

JHC: Z. For the last time, you cannot come up early to party. You have a game to prepare for and Iowa's fucking good this year. I really think you need to take this seriously.

ZookHook: gawwdd... yur killin mah buzz... arrrr you outtaa that shampppooo i sentcha?? I ogt lotz more

JHC: It's the pills, isn't it?

ZookHook: bigg tyme

JHC: You realize they're expecting you to go to a bowl game this year, right? Those recruits didn't come cheap.

ZookHook: fuck... i know... hey, joo ever ask coaach Fairrentz if he wuz hirin?

JHC: It's Ferentz, and, no. He wouldn't hire you, Z. No way.

3:42 AM

3:43 AM

3:44 AM

JHC: uhhhhh.... Z? You pass out again?

ZookHook: aaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhh fuckkkk! My here!! WHERM I AT?

JHC: At your desk, I presume?

JHC: By the way, you play Western Illinois this week.

ZookHook: Seriesly? Whaz the line?

JHC: They're I-AA so there is no line.

ZookHook: Zookers goindown, broseph...

JHC: Good luck Saturday.

ZookHook: gggaaaaaahhhhh....

IT'S GO TIME!

We don't gamble here at THC. It's a dangerous habit that's torn away at our nation's fabric. It's particularly disturbing when you read how many college kids are throwing away hard earned beer money to bookies. It's a national tragedy. However, we can't stop you from gambling and we're not judging you. In fact, we're here to help! So if you're going to gamble, stop by here first, and we'll guide you through the fog of your addictions. I know, you're probably getting the shakes, so, go ahead and read the story.



Notre Dame @ Penn State (-17)

My first thought was, that's a lot of points. I know, I know, the Irish suck, and yes, I hate them too. However, I'm hearing rumblings from Happy Valley that they're going to kill Lil Jimmy Clausen. Now, that may be true, but let's not forget that just last year Penn St got taken out behind the woodshed by Mr Fat and the Lepres, 41-17. Notre Dame is a different team this year, to be sure, but I wouldn't spend too much time watching film from your game, or theirs, from last week, lest you look past them and get upset at home by the nation's second biggest laughingstock. Penn State wins but take the points and put your money on Notre Dame. Speaking of laughingstocks -


Oregon @ Michigan (-8.5)
This is the most intriguing game of the week, and again, seems like a lot of points. The Big Blue Nation did not take their loss well last week. In fact, they're still talking about it. That's all they're talking about. Looking backwards is the quickest way to get your head removed in football. I haven't heard many mentions of the fact that they play Oregon. The Ducks have a shitload of talent at the skill positions and they also happen to run the same spread offense that bedeviled the Wolverines!!! last week. Thankfully, for Michigan, they're at home, as they are 6 out of their first 7 games (hooray for level playing fields!). If I'm Llllloyd! (and thank gawd I'm not), I'm hoping Mike Hart plays all 4 quarters and gets the chains moving early and often. Last thing I want is the crowd jumping on Henne's skittish ass early on or this really could be a lost season. I see a lot of similarities in these teams. They both have a tremendous amount of talent, great offenses, soggy defenses, and a penchant for showing up a couple times a year with their heads buried in their cavernous assholes. It'll be interesting to see who wants this one. If I'm a gambling man, I'm putting momma's house on Oregon.
Fun Fact: Oregon has been shutout all three times they played at the Big House. I'm thinking this streak comes to an end.



Wisconsin @ UNLV (+27)

After last week, Tyler Donovan left me wondering what the hell John Stocco was doing starting the last 3 seasons. He looked spectacular while throwing for 3 TD's and running for another. Scoring points should not be a problem against the Runnin' Rebels but can they stop them? UNLV will run the ball, relentlessly, and if you're a Wisky fan you have to hope coach Bielema's nasty demeanor will translate to his defensive line which got gashed for 5 yards a pop last week against Wazzu. This game will tell me a lot about the Badgers, who appear to the Big 10's most solid opportunity at a National Championship. Like the other games above, I'm advising you to take the points and the dog.

That's it for this week, and remember, bet as much as you want, I really don't give a shit, it's not my money. Just don't be gambling on every game out there. Pick 3 and bet as much as you want on them. That's why they call it gambling!
Good luck.

Wha Happened? Week 1

Iowa 16 - Northern Illinois 3

Iowa's D was ferocious, holding NIU to 20 yards on the ground. Jake Christensen was poised. We had no turnovers. Albert Young and Damian Sims went over 100 yards. There's clearly room for improvement but on the whole, I'm very happy with their performance.
We will have a much more comprehensive look at this game later.




Indiana 55 - Indiana St 7

An emotional win for the Hoosiers in their first game since Head Coach Terry Hoeppner died in June. They came out with a purpose and simply dominated the Sycamores. The story of the game was the Hoosier Defense which held Indiana St to just 46 yards on the ground, had 5 sacks, and generated 3 turnovers. Not the scariest of opponents, to be sure, but we all know what happens when you don't show up to play against an "inferior opponent".
Also, James Motherfucking Hardy had 3 catches for 153 yards and 2 TD's (79,58).

Missouri 40 - Illinois 34

Juice Williams got knocked the fuck out, the Illini fumbled 5 times, threw 2 picks, allowed a punt return for a TD and a fumble to be returned 102 yards for a TD... so... all in a day's work for the Zooker. Well played, man.
Call me.



Penn State 59 - Florida Intl. 0

JoePa was terrifying and Deadspin Hall of Famer Ned did not play. Moving on.

Ohio St. 38 - Youngstown St. 6

The sweatervest slayed the mighty Penguins. Not a lot of good news for the Buckeyes here though. Defensive End Lawrence Wilson broke his leg and Beanie Wells looked fat. It wasn't the pants either. He appeared to have consumed a Thanksgiving dinner just before the game. Not a good sign for the Buckeyes. I think they'll have to go to another blue chipper in his stead. I feel for you, Buckeyes!

Northwestern 27 - Northeastern 0

*yawn*




Purdue 52 - Toledo 24

A game like this sheds more light on your weaknesses than it does on your strengths. Purdue allowed 4 YPC and was -1 in turnovers. Not what DC Brock Spack was hoping for out of his Maginot Line defense. Lucky for them they don't play a good team until October.

Michigan St. 55 - UAB 18

Not gonna lie, I did not realize UAB had a football team. I did however, notice that the dragon on their helmets looks like Zach (or Weezy?) on Dragon Tales. Not scary.
Nice job, Sparty.

Bowling Green 32 - Minnesota 31 (OT)

The wheels are already coming off for coach Tim Brewster. After a first half that saw them befuddled and punchless with the new spread offense, the Gophers scrapped it at halftime and came out with a power running attack (a la Glen Mason) in the second half. Nice to see coach Brewster is sticking to his guns! This is a bad team, folks. Bad.


Wisconsin 42 - Washington St. 21

Wisconsin's offense put on a show here. Tyler Donovan threw for 3 TD's and ran for another. P.J. Hill was OK, but not great. It was not all good news for the Badgers. They did give up 157 yards on the ground (on just 32 attempts). 5 YPC on the ground isn't going to get you far in the Big 10 so this is something coach Bielema better get a handle on, fast, because they travel to UNLV and meet up with Travis Dixon and Frank Summers next week. Those 2 are a solid QB/RB tandem and will be a much tougher test than the Cougars were.

Georgia Tech 33 - Notre Dame 3

Georgia Tech kicked Notre Dame's ass, frontier style. It was as thorough a beating as you'll see in every facet of the game. Notre Dame looked sluggish, passive, and most disturbingly, unprepared. Charlie Weis made Chan Gailey look like Vince Lombardi. If I was a Notre Dame fan I would be calling for Weis' pasty, misshapen, butter glazed, head. How bad was this beating? Notre Dame had 41 rushes for -8 yards against a very average defensive unit. The good news? It's about to get worse as they play Penn State at Happy Valley next week. When reached for comment following yesterday's loss, paunchy progesterate Charlie Weis said, "don't skimp on the gravy!"





Appalachian St 34 - Michigan 32

An absolutely brutal loss for Michigan, make no mistake about it. However, it is most certainly not the "biggest upset in college football history". It's clear to anyone who actually watched the game that Appalachian St. is a good football team. They're well coached, they have good athletes, and they had a good game plan. Should Michigan lose to them, at home? Of course not. It was a bad loss by an unfocused team with a skittish QB. Was it a stomach punch loss? No. Appalachian St. controlled the game from the outset and won. I would say this is particularly brutal to Big Blue just based on the fact that many thought this was their year and this was the team to get them a title. That's over now but your season isn't. If you want to see what they're made of, watch how they respond next week against Oregon. Winning is easy, it's only when you lose that we see if you have any character. Chin up, guys, the world doesn't stop turning just because you lost. Trust me, this comes from a guy whose team lost to Indiana, Northwestern, and Minnesota last year.

Around the League

Chad Henne carries a purse. I wasn't surprised either. We all know where he got it.

Cedric "The Entertainer" Everson intercepted 3 passes on Saturday at Kid's Day at Kinnick. He was also burned for a 60 yard TD. This is why we refer to him only as "The Entertainer" at THC headquarters.

Bad things happen to Buckeyes. Chin up, boys, at least they didn't steal your sweater vests!

And finally, I think as a League, we can all unite on one issue - we fucking hate Notre Dame. Well, good news! Wunderkind QB Jimmy Clausen has been cited for transporting booze. Sounds like someone's desperately trying to live up to the Joe Namath comparisons. Drink up, Jimmy! When reached for comment, portly progesterate Charlie Weis said, "I need more butter for my ham".