Editor's Note: The season starts in 8 days. Iowa plays 8 Big 10 games so it's time to roll out the previews. Let's start at the bottom, shall we?
Last night, while sleeping in my bed I had a beautiful dream. I was the head coach for a Division I football team in a conference that had their own network. I had talent at every skill position, a rabid fan base, and the coolest mascot around. The players ran the right plays, worked together as a unit, and they never blew a 16 point fourth quarter lead against fucking Notre Dame. The guy who coached before me was clinically insane and completely unable to do his job under pressure. Everyone thought I walked on water and crapped beluga. I had money in my pocket, toys in the garage, and a cock like a Coke can. Food tasted like the nape of a woman's neck, wine tasted like tittays, and pussy tasted like, well, pussy. I was unstoppable.
Then the alarm goes off. I look at the clock and it's 4am. My wife elbows me out of bed and I'm off to work. You might think the worst part of my day is sitting in my caliginous office, all alone, watching game film from the previous season. You have no idea. It's not cool like a horror film, it's more like watching the same snuff film, over and over again. My players have sick talent, no doubt, especially at the skill positions. That's what makes it so hard to watch. They fly around the field, effortlessly, with frightening power and grace. Sadly, they frequently don't wait for the snap. They also run the wrong routes, scream at each other, and then laugh on the sidelines while getting hammered by Indifuckingana. After a couple hours of that, I start to puke blood into my Sparty trash can. That's how I know it's time to look at the schedule.
This is when things get really bad. If things go well (and I just know they won't) we can start out 2-0. This will only put more pressure on me and make it even more embarrassing when we piss the game away Sept 15 against The Wannstache. You probably don't know this, it's kind of a secret, but coaches make fun of Wanny all the time. No one respects him. We think he's a genuine retard. Rumor has it, his wife has to label his shoes "L" and "R" so he puts them on his feet accordingly. And we're gonna lose to them. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. It's gonna be so bad I don't even wanna think about it. Then we have go play AT fucking Notre Dame! I know! After they beat us it's at Wisconsin (loss) and then a couple easy games, one of which we might actually win, and then it's the bad part. The really super bad part. I keep saying this to everyone and they don't believe me, but we have the hardest schedule in the Big 10, maybe the whole wide world! Our last 5 games are @ tOSU, @ Iowa, Michigan, @ Purdue, and we close with Penn St! Fuck! After I look at that for awhile my tummy feels funny and I start to get diarrhea, which tells me it's time to get ready for practice, which is like, totally the worst part of my day.
The players hate me. I thought I was just being paranoid at first, but I went through the showers yesterday and on the wall it said, "we hayte dis koach", in shit. I think showing them the playbook was a mistake. We went over it and all they did was complain about how hard it was. No one said a nice word about it. I worked SO HARD on it too. Just like the speeches I make where I say we're gonna beat Michigan. I really wanted to get everyone excited, like Mr. Tressel did when he took over at tOSU. Heck, I even stole lots of stuff from his speeches. But then when I was trying to sound real confident in front of the cameras, I'd look down and see those defensive lineman talking to each other and snickering at me. I'd like to see you try and sound cool while everyone's laughing at you! I'm not made of stone! It's even worse when we're practicing. The guys always run the wrong way and stuff. I know they're doing it on purpose! I'm not stupid. So when I tell them what they did wrong they laugh at me. Sometimes they say, "Coach, stop clownin'." Yesterday, I told Javon he hit the wrong hole, and I even raised my voice really loud, and he walked right by me, said "wash u ass", and just went back to the locker room. It really hurt my feelings. I know I shouldn't have raised my voice but sometimes I just feel like he just doesn't listen. No one listens to me. They all hate me. I never should have taken this job. I hate it. I hate this school. I hate that fucking creepy mascot. I hate myself. I don't wanna talk about this anymore. I just want them to fire me already and it'll all be over with.
-- Mark Dantonio, 1st year head coach, Michigan State.