Back on the Chain Gang

So, just when we thought it couldn't get any worse...

An arrest warrant has been issued for backup quarterback Arvell Nelson for failure to appear in court for a traffic ticket.

The 19-year-old freshman was cited in early July for driving with a suspended license. He failed to pay the fine or show up for his court hearing. Officials say Nelson has contacted the police department about the matter. (CBS 4)

"It's Just Ciroc, Your Honor, and thank you."

I decided it was time for me to check in with The Hawkeye Compulsion's resident legal analyst, the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. He agreed that this is pretty damn minor. Arvell will likely get a tongue lashing from whatever judge he appears before, pay his fine, and that will be it. But it's awful timing to begin with, only made worse by its proximity to the season opener.

Now, as for DD and Bowman, OPS correctly laid out the law at issue. In black and white, they both face Class D felonies. But as first offenders who only stole $2000, they are likely to get a deal to stay out of jail. In fact, there's an outside chance of a deferred judgment that would keep them off probation. It's not to say they should return to the team (I haven't heard anyone arguing they should play this season, and most agree this is probably a Gots To Go situation), but it's unlikely DD or Bowman spend any time at 5th and Capitol (let alone Fort Leavenworth, as initially reported).

Finally, I asked Ciroc how he would defend these two. His words were poetic and moving, as always:

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell into some ice and was thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes, when I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, 'Are they stealing my soul?' I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martini cocktails he's so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. Sometimes, when I'm watching a football game on my 60-inch high-definition television, I think, 'Are there demons inside this box controlling what I see?' I don't know. My simple caveman mind cannot grasp these concepts.

"But there is one thing I do know. I know that when a person, such as my client, logs onto a public university computer with his personally identifiable login identification and uses stolen credit card numbers to buy $2000 worth of hats and baggy shorts, he is simply too stupid to go to jail. Thank you."

Ciroc's words would certainly move the jury to acquittal. He does it every time.