Holy fucking buttfuck FOOTBALL STARTS TODAY

Right now I look like this, but without headphones. Or pants.

The posts today will likely be erratic, nonsensical, and unimpeachable evidence of serious chemical imbalances. We do not give a fuck. Football! FOOTBALL!

Tonight's main event is #2 LSU at #6054 Mississippi State, whose coach's most notable achievement thus far is evading the fans in pointy white hats. It will be an unmitigated slaughter between two teams that Big 10 fans haven't got much reason to care about... except for the fact that it is motherfucking FOOTBALL!

I'm going to do some laps around the office butt-naked now.

More later.

Tony Cornelius commits to the Hawkeyes

Tony Cornelius, a tailback from Boca Raton, committed to the Hawkeyes today. While I'm sure there's a specific number of stars arbitrarily attached to his name (somewhere between 1-4), the great news is that is father is The Don Cornelius*.

One can only assume that the Iowa football program will take the opportunity to become the hippest trip in the Big Ten.

They're known as the hit makers, record breakers, party makers. They'll make your knees freeze, your back crack, your liver quiver, and your hip pop and jump out the socket. If you don't dig that, you got a hole in your soul. If you don't dig this mess, you came to the wrong address.

The best part? Goodbye swarm:


...and hello, Soul Train line!

Man, these games are gonna take forever.



*categorically false. you drinking this early? -ed