High School Highlights, volu WHAT THE FUCK

(thanks to Jeebsy for his help in getting me through this post from an emotional standpoint. This was rough)

One of the recurring themes that we at THC will be featuring this year is "High School Highlights," where we harness the power of the Youtubes to bring you a sneak peek at up-and-coming talent. I've never seen a bad one. You're either knocked out by the sick athleticism or endlessly entertained by the horrible quality of it. There's also the music. You generally know 5 seconds in if it's going to be awesomely good or awesomely bad. On rare occasions, you get both. That's what we're dropping on your ass today. This is a video from hot off the presses recruit Tony Cornelius. It's got athleticism, terrible music, and that's not all.



As a bonus, it's also got a snapshot of him standing naked in front of Aunt Millie's shower curtain. It's like a dirty little porny easter egg (do porns have Easter eggs?).

The link to the video is HERE. If you click on his username, PRIMETIME4, you get taken to his youtube page where he's got all his videos and shit, as well as a, well, unusually candid background image. Now, for those of you who work, we're not going to post the exact image straight up; you shouldn't have to fight for your job with arguments like, "but the high school kid has boxers on if you look hard enough!" In return, we'll link to the image and post a preview that's actually a thousand times more terrifying.

(click for unedited weirdness)

WELCOME TO THE HARTY PARTY

Our stance has already been set: We will not get you fired, but we will let Pat Harty haunt your dreams. That's just how it is.

Now, look. We're not here to judge Tony. He obviously thinks very highly of himself, and we certainly wouldn't want an insecure tailback. The choice he made to put this picture on the internet, though? Questionable. We would recommend removing it. For everybody's sake.

Welcome to the Hawkeye family, Tony. Now put some pants on.



(Oh, and Jeff Reed: the ball(s) is in your court.)

Tony Cornelius commits to the Hawkeyes

Tony Cornelius, a tailback from Boca Raton, committed to the Hawkeyes today. While I'm sure there's a specific number of stars arbitrarily attached to his name (somewhere between 1-4), the great news is that is father is The Don Cornelius*.

One can only assume that the Iowa football program will take the opportunity to become the hippest trip in the Big Ten.

They're known as the hit makers, record breakers, party makers. They'll make your knees freeze, your back crack, your liver quiver, and your hip pop and jump out the socket. If you don't dig that, you got a hole in your soul. If you don't dig this mess, you came to the wrong address.

The best part? Goodbye swarm:


...and hello, Soul Train line!

Man, these games are gonna take forever.



*categorically false. you drinking this early? -ed