You will get nothing and like it, Orange-Man.

Monday, September 3, 2007

NIU QB Dan Nicholson speaks

This is such bullshit.

We got ready for the game by watching film of the Hawkeyes last year, and we were excited. How could we lose? They had good linebackers, a wholly immobile defensive line, and a secondary made of tinder and oily rags. I saw what Kellen Lewis did, and Kellen Lewis is no Dan "The Danimal" Nicholson.

Yeah. So imagine my joy when I drop back on third and decent during our very first fucking series and this #47 asshole doesn't just beat his guy, but then he comes after me so fast that my tailback just falls over instead of picking up the block. Thanks Justin. I'm sure you can stop a pass rush while you're sitting on your ass.

This sucked so much.

It was like that all. game. long. Seriously. I don't know who those fucking Chris Benoit maniacs were, but they kicked our asses. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to play football when you're getting knocked around and a 280-pound superhuman is burying his knee into your manhood? I don't think you do. It's miserable.

Look. I ain't a pussy. I'm "The Danimal!" I've fought through position battles, two-a-days, and that one linebackers coach on my high school sophomore team--the one who was kind of molestery crazy in the locker room. I know what toughness is all about! So believe me when I tell you that last Saturday fucking sucked and fucking hurt. Then there's Coach Novak, telling me to step into my throws and keep my head in the game. Fuck that.

Sorry for not stepping into a helmet aimed straight at my aorta, coach.

Those Iowa guys did damn near everything right. Yeah, we were within a couple scores, but even I knew we weren't going to win. Don't believe me? Watch the tape again. Lord knows Coach Novak's gonna make us. We had one shot at the end zone, and Greg (Turner) tipped it to that #13 guy. Great. Like he needed another pick.

That was it. That was the only shot we had at the end zone. The rest of the time, I had to deal with shit like this:
I didn't see getting my ankle wrecked in the gameplan.

no seriously, thanks guys. I felt like being the meat of a prison rape sandwich.

If Coach Novak wants me to get back out there against a team like that again, fuck it. Let him go five minutes against a real defense like that. Let him find out what it's like to get killed while you complete half your passes. Let him get angry after three picks and no shots at touchdowns whatsoever. Otherwise, fuck this, I am done.


Breezy said...

Dan is as tough as anybody growing up on the south side of Chicago, but he sure did take a beating! Oh and you knocked out our punter as well. Funny story about that in my recently made NIU blog:


Bellanca said...

The Danimal went on to say,

"And what the fuck is it with that team, they don't even sub on defense? Fuckers played 13 guys, and 1 of the 2 subs got in just because that fullback playing DT got himself dehydrated. And then the fucker comes back in the fourth quarter, just to tattoo my ass a few more times. I'm sitting there crawling back onto my feet, sucking wind, and they're kinda whistling and hopping around on their toes like it's ballet class. I know flag football tackles who breath harder than those guys. Well, another week, another set of tackles. The next ones'll have double chins and guts, I hope."

A philosopher king, nonetheless, Danimal added,

"Well, it could have been worse. I could have been throwing to those Iowa receivers, most of 'em appeared to think they were playing volleyball and the idea was to spike the ball straight down into the turf. Did I say turf? I meant, painted dirt. Hard, green dirt. So even if they have the fastest white guys ever produced by East Bumfuck-Your-Sister, Iowa, they don't have it all figured out. Do you think they'll move a couple of those wideouts to defensive tackle next year? Maybe one of my fat guys in the line will learn to fall on them better."