Cedric Everson should play right away, according to Cedric Everson

Here's where Media Day gets fun. The first day's articles are always chock full of blindingly obvious shit like, "the offense will depend on its quarterback and running back!" Really? We're not even going to try the 11-lineman formation? Bullshit!

The real fun happens on Wednesdays and Thursdays. That's when we hear from nutballs like Jon Misch and incoming cornerback Cedric Everson.

"I do want to play this year," Everson said Monday during Iowa's annual football media day. "I don't want to redshirt. Why? Because I think that's just wasting time. You're not going to learn anything redshirting.

[snip]

Everson was recruited to play cornerback, but he also wants the football in his hands. He amassed more than 4,900 all-purpose yards during high school.

"I enjoy playing cornerback, but I really enjoy kick returning and punt returning," he said.

Oh, to be a kid again. While Kirk Ferentz would probably strenuously disagree with the notion that there's no learning to be done during the redshirt year, there may be some measure of truth to Everson's statement. He may very well not learn anything.

Those of you who follow this stuff way too closely (cough) may remember Everson's odd recruitment. He originally committed to Georgia Tech, then didn't, then committed to Michigan State, then didn't, then signed with Iowa on February 2. Bellwether Dog, your thoughts?
We're with you, pal. Confusion reigns today.

But, whatever, right? A 4-star cornerback is a 4-fucking-star cornerback, right? Well, not quite.

At signing day, Brian from the iconic mgoblog let on that Everson may be more trouble than he's worth:

Cedric Everson. Circus freak who claimed offers from every program in the country, then committed to Georgia Tech. GT later pulled his offer. He committed to State, then decommitted on Signing Day to Iowa. Michigan never pursued him, and even though he may be able to run fast Michigan doesn't have to put up with radioactive nuts like him.

Radioactive nuts? I wish I had radioactive nuts. Who doesn't want babymakers that glow in the dark? I digress. Whether the Jackets pulled the offer or he just decommitted or what exactly happened seems unclear at this point; there was a staff shakeup and it looks as if both parties went their separate ways.

Brian later had this to say about Everson:

he may or may not be a talented kid. I do know that his rumored offer list was almost totally fictional and that the stats he offered up to recruiting sites (10 pr touchdowns as a junior) were ludicrous. Michigan never even looked at him. We may regret that down the line, but he's given a lot of indications that he may be more trouble than he's worth, no offense to the Hawks.

So uh... so that's nice.

Now, of course I'm not going to insinuate that Ferentz and company recruited The Entertainer just on his word; that'd be insane and wildly illogical and, well, that clearly didn't happen. It does seem like he misused the recruiting sites to increase his own notoriety, and that while he could still very well be a great cornerback, we can't know that based on what scout.com tells us.

Any lessons you've learned from screwing with everybody, Cedric?

"My dad taught me to always be humble. I wasn't really into the media. I don't mind being in the limelight but not like that."

Cedric then dunked on Shaq, created a perpetual motion machine, and ascended into heaven. Reportedly.

The 40-yard dash is quaint, and that's bullcrap!

Notre Dame Stadium. Joe Paterno. Yes, college football is unmatched in its reverence for relics, long past the point of utility. There is perhaps no better illustration of such strange allegiance than the relatively useless 40-yard dash.

While there is probably some merit to how quickly a college football player can sprint straight ahead for 40 yards without pads on, well, there isn't much. There are, at any given time, about 10 people on a football field who can reasonably expect to sprint 40 yards in a straight line during the course of the game. All 22, however, can be damned sure that their 5- and 10-yard quickness will be vitally important on every snap. A tenth of a second in those first few yards is a metric fuckload more important than a tenth of a second between yards 30 and 40.

The S&C community, of course, is fully aware that the 40 doesn't mean much. So why is it the most recognized combine test?

The answer, of course, is that everyone's intimately familiar with the test. We know that anything over 4.9 is sloowwww, and everything below 4.4 is fasttttt (five t's fast, to be precise). Most football fans and about 95% of the coaching community know that it's not the end-all, be-all of tests. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, one of those 5% joins your conference.

This guy's either going to be awesome or horrible

From the Lansing State-Journal, via the freakishly informative SMQ...

Every college football team has one - a 200-pound starting linebacker with a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, clinically diagnosed hyperactivity, classical piano skills and absolutely no interest in sports.

On second thought, Jon Misch has to be the first.

The article gets weirder after that. The guy learned how to play The Entertainer after 30 minutes of piano lessons (allegedly), watches SpongeBob SquarePants (pothead), and is a kinesiology major. Wait--they offer entire majors based on this guy? ....actually I could see that. The coup de grace is their mention of his slow 4.89 40 time, followed by one of the coaches musing that he looks like "a 4.4 kid." Actually, you know what? I'll post about that 40-yard-dash shit this afternoon.

Obviously, the guy can ball. Let's get that out of the way right now. There's no way in hell MSU is like, "well, we sucked last year, let's get someone who sucks even worse in at Sam. Wait, wait--let's make sure he's small as hell too." That's clearly not happening.

That said... 6'2", 207 is really fucking small. For as much as good technique can help, at some point sheer physics becomes inescapable, doesn't it? Is his technique seriously that much better than everyone else's? It seems like it would take a minor act of Christ for this guy to not end up on his ass a lot this season.

So, let's recap: Iowa's going to be facing a smallish, quirky linebacker who enjoys watching children's programs (don't kid yourselves, WWE fans) on TV? This sounds disturbingly familiar.

Pat Harty wants you to throw up

If it seems like I have an unhealthy obsession with the Press-Citizen's Hawkeye beat reporter Pat Harty, it's because, well, it's hard not to. It's a residual effect: as he lavishes undue attention upon himself as he writes the columns, so must I as I read them.

If you thought his decision to try to bait good-guy Bryan Mattison into selling out Coach Ferentz
was upsetting, however, then you may want to turn away. At the very least, escort your children from the room, and have a vomit bucket ready. Here's how Pat Harty decided to describe the weather at Media Day:

It was so gooey at Iowa football media day that it felt like somebody poured a giant pitcher of lukewarm pancake syrup all over my body.

Yeah. If you don't have a vivid enough imagination to be legitimately horrified by that, consider yourself lucky. I was going to post a picture of someone pouring syrup onto themselves, then MS paint Harty's head onto it, but the result is horrifying enough to get you fired. Friends, we won't do that to you here. We'll merely let Pat Harty haunt your dreams.

COVERED IN MOTHERFUCKING PANCAKE SYRUP

"Where Are They Now?" vol. 1

As part of our Iowa Hawkeye and Big Ten coverage, we, the writers of The Hawkeye Compulsion, will periodically visit with icons from Big 10 history and see how their lives have changed since college football.

Our first visit is with former Iowa quarterback Brad Banks.


Brad Banks burst onto the scene in 2002 with a scintillating senior campaign with the Iowa Hawkeyes. The Belle Glade, Florida native quarterbacked the Hawkeyes to their first 8-0 Big Ten season ever as well as a berth in the Orange Bowl. Banks finished second in the Heisman race to USC standout Carson Palmer that year.

Since his graduation from the UI, Banks has parlayed his fame into a successful career in politics. During the 2004 election, his Capitol Hill activism led to widespread campaign finance reform, and he is believed to be among the front-runners for the Presidential seat in 2016, his first year eligible for nomination.

We were unable to get the "Busy B," as he's known among politicos, in for a sitdown interview. Luckily, we contacted him by phone at 515-244-5611, and here's our conversation:

OPS: Hey, Brad! Welcome to the interview from a fellow Hawkeye!

Brad: There are many areas of care that set Mercy apart. One is our 24-hour staffing of pediatric specialists in our emergency center. If your child or other family member has a need, we're ready to help--no matter what, no matter when. On behalf of the thousands of compassionate professionals who call Mercy home, we're proud to be Iowa's health care leader in delivering health care excellence, every day, in every way.

Female voice, probably Brad's secretary or something: The current time is 8:41. The current temperature is 81. Thank you for calling!

We lost our connection with Brad after that, so it looks like one minute is all he's got to spare! Still, it's wonderful to hear that health care is at the forefront of the issues he's tackling. Brad Banks: lifelong Hawkeye, lifelong champion.

Summer depth chart changes, volume 1 of roughly 17,000

The ICPC is reporting changes to the depth charts already, announced at Iowa's Media Day. Here's the meat of it:

• Julian Vandervelde, a red shirt freshman from Davenport, from second string right guard to starting left guard.
• Andy Kuempel to second string left tackle.
• Tyler Blum from second string left tackle to second string right guard.
• Wes Aeschliman from second string right tackle to second string right guard

• Devan Moylan and Lance Tillison will be co-starters at strong safety.
• Harold Dalton moved from starting strong safety to starting free safety. He and Brett Greenwood will be co-starters at free safety.
• Chris Rowell will be co-second string left corner back.

Fair enough. Anyone catch who the actual starter is at right guard now? No? Let's chalk it up to a typo and say Aeschliman is starting. Fuck getting things right.

On the defensive side of the ball, co-starters at both safety spots? I'm not sure opposing coaches are going to let Ferentz get away with starting four safeties at once. You've got to hand it to him, though; it's a bold, innovative approach nonetheless. Here's what the depth chart looks like now:

SE 80 ** Andy Brodell 6-3 200 Jr
89 James Cleveland 6-1 195 #Fr.

LT 78 ** Dace Richardson 6-6 305 Jr.
68 Andy Kuempel 6-7 295 So.

LG 63 Julian Vandervelde 6-3 295 #Fr.
74 Dan Doering 6-7 300 So.

C 52 * Rafael Eubanks 6-3 285 So.
58 Rob Bruggeman 6-3 287 Jr.

RG 75 * Wesley Aeschliman 6-8 318 Jr.
72 * Tyler Blum 6-6 285 So.

RT 71 * Seth Olsen 6-5 305 Jr.
or 76 ** Alex Kanellis 6-4 295 Jr.

TE 81 * Tony Moeaki 6-4 255 Jr.
83 ** Brandon Myers 6-4 250 Jr.

QB 6 * Jake Christensen 6-1 215 So.
8 Arvell Nelson 6-4 210 #Fr.
or 12 Ricky Stanzi 6-4 215 #Fr.

WR 88 * Dominique Douglas 6-1 190 So.
or 86 * Trey Stross 6-3 195 So.
84 Anthony Bowman 5-11 167 So.

RB 21 ** Albert Young 5-10 209 Sr.
or 28 *** Damian Sims 5-9 197 Sr.

FB 35 *** Tom Busch 5-11 235 Sr.
38 Jordan McLaughlin 6-0 230 Jr.

PK 39 * Austin Signor 6-4 230 So.
or 1 Daniel Murray 5-10 175 #Fr.

DEFENSE

DE 92 ** Kenny Iwebema 6-4 267 Sr.
94 Adrian Clayborn 6-3 275 #Fr.

DT 53 ** Matt Kroul 6-3 277 Jr.
56 Rashad Dunn 6-3 285 Jr.

DT 47 ** Mitch King 6-3 264 Jr.
59 Anton Narinskiy 6-4 265 Jr.

DE 99 *** Bryan Mattison 6-3 272 Sr.
98 * Chad Geary 6-3 261 So.

OLB 49 * A.J. Edds 6-4 244 So.
42 Jeremiha Hunter 6-2 222 #Fr.

MLB 40 *** Mike Klinkenborg 6-2 240 Sr.
41 * Bryan Gattas 6-1 233 Sr.

WLB 44 ** Mike Humpal 6-3 242 Sr.
43 * Pat Angerer 6-1 230 So.

LC 19 *** Adam Shada 6-1 195 Sr.
16 * Drew Gardner 5-10 178 Sr.

SS 18 Lance Tillson 6-2 205 #Fr.
or 14 *** Devan Moylan 5-10 201 Sr.

FS 30 Brett Greenwood 6-0 200 #Fr.
or 2 Harold Dalton 6-1 201 Jr.

RC 13 *** Charles Godfrey 6-1 200 Jr.
34 Chris Rowell 6-1 197 So.
or 29 ** Bradley Fletcher 6-2 200 Jr.

PT 5 Ryan Donahue 6-3 175 #Fr.

If you haven't been to HawkMania.com recently, you ought to

The state of Iowa, while a good source of writers, is far from an attractive destination. It is, no doubt, frustrating for parents to try to encourage their young children to read the newspaper, only to find out that their easily impressionable minds are subjected to hacks like Nancy Clark and Pat Harty (or even worse, us).

Child: "Daddy, daddy! I read the newspaper like you told me to, and I learned from Nancy Clark that the Hawkeyes start white receivers because Kirk Ferentz is racist!"
Father: "There is no hope for this world." (commits suicide)

That's why it's been refreshing to read Eric Page's comprehensive coverage of the Hawkeyes from the Big 10 media conference for the QC Sun-Times. His July 31 article on Jake Christensen, while drenched in unnecessary second-person perspective ("Curious now, you moved a little bit closer." is just creepy), is nonetheless the clear-cut best player profile to be written this season. Then there's the thankless task of providing analysis of an online poll that only about 200 people bothered voting in:

With Christensen, it’s obvious — as the quarterback goes, the team goes, right? But the guy is a first-year starter, and first-year starters — especially at quarterback — take time to develop in the Big Ten. So I can see a scenario where Christensen doesn’t have that great of a year, but Iowa still is able to have success. If the offensive line can gel and the running game can dominate and if the defense can shut down opponents and create turnovers, all the quarterback is going to have to do is not make mistakes, which wouldn’t necessarily make him a huge impact guy.

Sounds logical enough, right? Okay, but where has anything as sane as that been anywhere else in the state? Let's take a look at some gems from the DM Register's Sean Keeler and the ICPC's Pat Harty.

Harty's last article was about listening to Bryan Mattison. Naturally, the first quote doesn't come until 10 grafs in--and it's from linebacker Mike Klinkenborg. Even in that instance, though, the notion that Harty is a blithering retard is merely implicit. Never one for subtlety, though, Harty removes all doubt later in the same article:

Bryan also became agitated when I told him that some fans have asked me whether Ferentz has lost some of the magic that helped him rebuild the football program.

"I wouldn't even answer that question if I was you," Bryan said. "Coach Ferentz is one of the best coaches in the nation.

"If I knew what a magic touch was, I don't think he's lost it. Those people that ask that question don't know anything about football."

Good move, Harty. Ask a classy player to toss his coach under the team bus. The worst part is that Harty fucking enjoys doing that. He worded his question quite purposefully and carefully, characterizing the skeptics as "some fans," when a much more accurate description would be "some fans named Pat Harty." If he thought it was a terrible, baseless question, he wouldn't have asked it. He can explain it away with the notion that he's just "stirring the pot," but that's just a nice euphemism for "being a little shit."

Then there's Keeler, cramming football metaphors into a cable story with all the grace and nuance of a 32-DD breast enhancement surgery. From the story titled "Big Ten Network Needs To Punt":

Delany, the Big Ten’s commissioner, downplayed media concerns Tuesday at the Hyatt Regency in Chicago, declaring that negotiations between the Big Ten Network and major cable providers were simply “at halftime.”

Actually, there’s 6 minutes left in the fourth quarter, he’s down about three touchdowns, and the clock is ticking. If somebody doesn’t throw a Hail Mary, Iowa fans are going to be left in the dark.

So they have to punt, then throw a Hail Mary, then they'll be down by 14 late in the fourth quarter? What does that even mean?

At the very least, we've got Marc Morehouse up at the Gazette giving us what we really need to read over coffee and eggs:

However, a locker room sprint at the end of the first half against Ohio State in mid-September was more alarming to Paterno's ego.

"I didn't get sick. I got diarrhea,'' the 80-year-old Paterno said.

God bless you, Morehouse. You've put me in a good enough mood to spare everyone the Pat Harty Avalanche.

Here's a puppy instead. You're all so lucky.