Alex Kanellis is out for the year

Rough news for lineman Alex Kanellis, he of a rocking moustache: No football this year.

Kanellis had been battling post-concussion syndrome over most of training camp, and doctors have recommended that he continue to sit out. Said Ferentz:

"I can't see how he would (play this year)," Ferentz said. "Let's say everything works out that he could come back, he really hasn't played offensive line (except for) maybe 10 days or something like that."

"He's missed so much time right now that it would unrealistic to think he's going to go out there and play," Ferentz said. "And that's such a small part. Right now it's just what's in his best interests."

The good news is that Kanellis can use this season as a redshirt, so he won't lose any eligibility. The bad news is that it's clear from Ferentz's language ("what's in his best interests," etc.) that there are still brain issues that need to be resolved.

We can only imagine what sort of hell this must be for Alex. He has been a lauded football player for so long, and here he finds himself physically capable of playing. Even his cognition is back where it should be. To be told by a doctor that a full recovery from a concussion isn't good enough to let you back on the field must be frustrating and agonizing beyond measure.

Let's be clear: multiple concussions are absolutely nothing to screw around with. If Kanellis was having issues days after the injury, then that's a clear sign that his brain can't take much more. While he could truthfully look you straight in the eye and tell you he's fine right now, getting his bell rung again would potentially be disastrous. It's quite conceivable, therefore, that his football career is already over.

Unfortunately, "you'll be able to tie your shoes when you're 60" is probably scant consolation for Alex. We wish him the best of luck and health in his recovery.

(photo obtained from HawkeyeFootball.com)

Big 10 Preview: Illinois!!

Someone Put The Eyes In Illini! MEEEEOOWWWWW!

The Fighting Illini hail from Champaign-Urbana (pick a city and stick with it, cocksuckers). Their campus has long been home to gentlemen of questionable ethical standards, and current football coach Ron Zook is no exception. He has spent the last off-season luring highly rated prospects to a team that is 1-15 in the Big 10 since 2005, which is clear and blatant evidence of lying, bribery, and possible instances of recruits’ grandmothers being held hostage by men wearing fake Indian headdresses. Nonetheless, the NCAA has decided to let Zook continue his felonious ways for at least one more season without reproach; the thinking must be that his current rate of success is worse than any sanctions the NCAA can impose. That seems fair.
WILL LEITCH says: col-lege foot-ball?

What You Should Know

Illinois is a basketball school, and as mentioned before, those teams are usually pretty fun to meet on the gridiron; nine times out of 10 they suck out loud. Since 2003, that’s been the case for the Whining Illini. The Zooker is back for his third season, and it should be his best yet. Granted, his winning percentage is, according to calculations, “negative eleventy thousand,” so it’s not as if he’s got much more room to drop. Well, unless he volunteers for Locks For Love, then gets busted jacking off in the warehouse.

Aside from the highly plausible confluence of Vidal Sassoon and man juice, the Illini have a slew of young blue-chippers around, including a top-rated wide receiver who joined the team in the spring (probably to save his aunt’s life). Zook is fortunate that the Illini faithful have thus far been more patient than his former employer—as if that’s hard to pull off—because his record thus far has been far worse than the 8-5 year that got him kicked out of Gainesville. Zook is, as a matter of fact, 4-19 in his two seasons at Illinois. 3-19 if you want to be an asshole and only count teams that are in the (ugh) “Bowl Subdivision.”
WILL LEITCH says: Gainesville... that's in Florida.

What You Should Fear

They have a defense. As a matter of fact, they were much stouter than the Hawkeyes on the defensive side of the ball; they gave up only 3.3 yards per rush to Iowa’s 3.6, and they held opposing QB’s to just 182 yards per game through the air. Central to the rush defense is all-Big 10 middle linebacker and THC favorite J Leman (right).

All of that is a bit misleading, of course; opponents spent a sufficient amount of time leading the Illini that they ran the ball 58% of the time; Illinois could stack the line and play for the run more often than not. Regardless, they also spent most of the time losing for the three years prior to 2006, and they were giving up about two full yards more per run then. So let’s not pretend they haven’t nutted up a lot.

Anyway, just about everybody is back on defense; leading the way are cornerback Vontae Davis and Leman. Juice Williams cannot possibly misfire on more than 60% of his passes again (right? um… right??), and he’s got some talent to give the ball to now. In other words, it seems like they can’t possibly suck as bad as they usually do. The degree to which they will improve still, of course, remains to be seen.

The offense looks like it should be good enough. Williams is a physically talented QB who spent much of the offseason working on his mechanics with famed quarterbacks coach, Blaze McHeed. McHeed quickly discovered that the Juice is actually left handed. This should help him in the upcoming season, but he needs to stop letting his mind wander on the field. That seems odd, doesn’t it? An Orange Juice that can’t concentrate.

Sorry.

WILL LEITCH says: Oh shit, a camera. All right, chin down and to the right, eyes up, work the bangs. We can do this, Leitch!

What You Can Probably Laugh At with Confidence

It is the Illini. There’s lots to laugh at. For one, Orange Juice doesn’t even have the silliest name on the team; that would belong either to the aforementioned Aurrelious Benn (SPOILER ALERT: Joaquin Phoenix suffocates him in Gladiator) or the Mullet King (again, right). Questionable parenting aside, there’s also that 2-30 conference record since 2003.

Most importantly, you should take great glee in the fact that their fan base universally hates Iowa. They despise us as a school, team, and fan base. Yeah. Think about it, Iowa fan; do you even care about Illinois? On the list of Iowa rivalries, there’s Iowa State, Minnesota, and Wisconsin dominating the top three; past them, Iowa fans usually care more about the Michigan and Ohio State games more than the rest of the Big Ten opponents. And there’s this team just four hours away that fucking hates our guts. It’s time to relish that fear, to feed on it, and to shove our own apathy back in their mouths.

So, our apologies, Illinois fans. Sorry that you still feel the need to whimper about our assistant coach busting your boy Lou Henson handing out free cars. Sorry that we get all the seriously hot girls from Chicago who spent more time looking good than earning their way into the U of I. Sorry that nobody cared enough about your shitty team to cultivate a rivalry before someone finally called Henson on his shit. Seriously, our bad on this one. And any time you guys want to stop clinging to our nuts, that’s fine.
WILL LEITCH says: We don't get why everyone mocks the bangs anyway. The Zooker recommended them highly. They smell great.

So, Can Iowa Beat Them?

The short answer? Of course Iowa can beat them. It’s Ron Zook vs. Kirk Ferentz. It’s in Kinnick. It’s not as if we’re talking about Michigan here. But it’s not all party favors and streamers here. First of all, as mentioned before, they have a defense. Second, Iowa only took last year’s game by a 24-7 margin; it’s not as if 18-point swings have never happened ever. Realistically, though, the 2008 tilt in Champaign looks much more threatening from the Hawkeyes’ perspective.

If Vegas were to put a spread on this game right now, it would probably look something like Iowa -13.5; for a game in Kinnick against a bottom feeder, even a 2-6 Iowa squad ought to win by two touchdowns. Depending on what both teams do in the first half of the season, that number could swing wildly, but it probably won’t. If it does move much, it’ll probably be in Iowa’s favor. If it dips below 10, Iowa’s season will be in the toilet and you may as well pick up a gambling habit to numb the pain. Once more for the hell of it, J Leman (right).
WILL LEITCH says: Hel-lo, sailor!

What They’ll Do the Rest of the Year

This is awfully tough to figure out; who knows how much the Illini are actually going to improve? Will they implode if Missouri takes the first game by a couple touchdowns or if they can’t get out of the Carrier Dome with a win? What if the Indiana faithful will the Hoosiers to a win in their Big 10 home opener? How Illinois starts the first four games will be crucial to how they finish the conference season. They could go 4-0, or they could go 1-3 (it’s relatively safe to assume that the Illini can take out Western Illinois).

Assuming they’re not world-beaters, they’ll probably be rolling into Iowa City with a 3-3 record, losing to Wisconsin, Penn State, and either Missouri or Syracuse; the Other Orange team won by a deceptively close 31-21 margin in Champaign last season, and they’re also a team on the rise. So once they leave Iowa City with another notch in the L column, life gets a bit better. They have dates with Michigan and An Ohio State University on deck, but the other three games are very winnable (Ball State, Northwestern, and a trip to Minnesota). 6-6 is a fair prediction, as is the subsequent massive over-reactionary contract extension that will keep Zook in the Big 10 for about another decade. This, Iowa fans, should thrill you beyond words.

What we can be sure that they’ll do this year is fill about 40% of their stadium, complain about Iowa, and wear way too much orange for someone who isn’t traipsing through a forest at 5 a.m. with a rifle on their shoulder.
WILL LEITCH says: Orange makes me look splotchy!


"We" would like to thank Mr. JHC for his invaluable help in this nuanced look at the Illinois football team in 2007.

Nicks, Dings, and Bruises

A quick look at who's spending time in the ice tubs...

Starting LT Dace Richardson (Jr.) continues to be out as he recovers from offseason knee surgery, and he is expected to be out for at least another week. Starting RT Kyle Calloway (So.) has shifted from the right side of the line to take Richardson's place.

Second-string LT Bryan Bulaga (Fr.) is questionable for Saturday's game with a shoulder injury.

Starting C Rafael Eubanks (So.) is nursing a sore foot, but should be back at practice soon. He is still expected to start this Saturday.

Reserve RT Alex Kanellis (Jr.) is still receiving treatment for post-concussion symptoms, and we'll know more later this week. He should be considered "out" for Saturday.

Reserve WR Paul Chaney Jr. (RFr.) is out for Saturday with a toe injury, and he will most likely miss the Syracuse game as well. Second-string WR Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (RFr.) will replace Chaney as a kickoff returner.

Starting WR Trey Stross (So.), who missed last weekend's scrimmage with a sore hamstring, is expected to start against NIU.

OL Rob Bruggeman (Jr.) continues to recover from major knee surgery and is questionable to return this season. Bruggeman was listed the second-string C at the time of his injury this spring.

Reserve LB Jeff Tarpinian (RFr.) is still recovering from a back injury and is out for Saturday.

Second-string QB Arvell Nelson (RFr.) and second-string CB Bradley Fletcher (Jr.) are both out with judgment sprains, while starting WR Dominique Douglas (So.) and reserve WR Anthony Bowman (So.) remain out indefinitely with ruptured retard tendons.

[UPDATE: Second-string DT Karl Klug (RFr.) will miss 4-6 weeks after foot surgery. Jesus.]

Big 10 Preview: Northwestern

Four days in and we've finally reached Northwestern, red headed stepchild of the Big Ten. So can I get some Charlton Heston (NW '45) up in this motherfucker?


There. Now I'm inspired.

So, where do we start with the Wildcats? They were the only team in the country last season to pull a Michigan State against Michigan State. They were the only 1-A team to lose to New Hampshire (to be fair, they were the only 1-A team to play New Hampshire). And, after an absolute hammering of Iowa in November, they enter the season as the only team on this year's schedule with a 2-game winning streak against our beloved Hawkeyes.

The Good News? Well, the schedule is about as easy as they come. NU opens against Northeastern, Nevada, and Duke (the Duke game will actually be played in a chemistry lab) before opening Big Ten play. The Cats also sandwiched in Eastern Michigan in mid-October (St. Mary's School for the Blind and Retarded was already booked). That should be four wins. That's important, because Northwestern can win at most three games in the conference, and that's only if they catch every single break along the way.


Head coach and local legend Pat Fitzgerald, coming off the successful prosecution of Scooter Libby, is another year older and another year wiser (though still not wise enough to lose the douchebag sunglasses). Cats fans are hoping to say the same about quarterback CJ Bacher, who had a Drew Tate-esque ability to throw the ball into triple coverage at precisely the wrong moment. It's going to be difficult to improve on last season, though, as Northwestern's best receiver graduated and the new #1 just went down with a broken arm. That probably won't help halfback Tyrell Sutton, especially when the Cats' ninja running attack is predicated on spreading the defense. Sure, the spread offense is always scary to us Iowans, but the question remains: Is there anyone on this offense that actually scares you?

As for the defense, there's still no D in Northwestern. The defensive line is average at best, the secondary is Adam Shada bad, and the linebackers (which you would presume to be a strong suit, given the coach) are atrocious beyond words. They fucking suck (OK, so maybe not beyond words). When Northwestern plays Minnesota, the team that wins the toss better receive, because nobody's getting stopped by either of those defenses.

Probably the best news of all for Northwestern fans comes off the field. First, they finally got a legitimate blog at Lake the Posts (when counting down the 10 worst losses in the history of the program this July, LTP ranked the 2000 loss to Iowa as #2 AND #6). Second, their first three games will be shown on the Big Ten Network, thereby ensuring casual fans can't watch on television and might be compelled to actually show up. Well, that or they sit in a froo-froo coffee house and discuss Robert Frost and the Pythagorean theorem. Fucking nerds.

As for the prognosis, I tipped my hand earier. The Cats can and should win their four non-conference games. They get Minnesota and Indiana at home, both probable wins. But, while they could catch Iowa flat-footed (again) or take it to ILLINI or Sparty on the road, I don't see another win on the schedule. That is a 6-6 season, 2-6 in the conference. Bank it.

A new Scothawk video is up

Many of our Iowa-based readers are probably already familiar with the work of Scothawk, a local gentleman with a penchant for making really, really cool highlight reels for the Hawkeyes. Doing so was particularly easy in 2002 and 2003, but his work in 2004 was nonpareil--I defy you to keep a dry eye during the season-end tribute.

There's also a section of outstanding individual plays, including Tim Dwight rearranging the Arizona punt returner's chest cavity (mildly illegal). And as goosebumps moments go, what better play than The Kick?

But more to the point, Scothawk has posted a 2007 preview video, and--as usual--it absolutely rocks. It's probably the first non-ironic highlight video with a -10 turnover margin for its favored team, but it actually works in the context of the video (moreso than, say, the ill-advised foray into quotes from 300). Give the man his dues: he can litter the first half of a video with absolutely awful Hawkeye football and still have you fired up for 2007 by the end of it. The video is here, and the editor is Scothawk. Love it.

Keeping The Man Busy, Week 1

Here's why athletic directors are frowning this morning...

Unfortunately, trying to give the cop a contact high never works: Arkansas defensive end Marcus Harrison has learned an important lesson. Actually, many important lessons. Namely, if you're going to drive, wear your seat belt. And don't speed. And have a valid driver's license. And don't take drugs with you. Really, though, if you're going to ignore all those rules, why not go all the way and hotbox your whip at the same time?

Harrison faces a litany of charges after learning all those lessons late Friday night, according to police reports. Apparently when cops pull you over, they get suspicious if your car smells like you've choked out a skunk or twelve. It's all there: Blunts under the front seat, ecstasy in his pocket, restricted license, no seat belt, and speeding (who speeds when they're high?!).

My favorite part is Houston Nutt's response: Coach Houston Nutt said Saturday that Harrison had violated team rules and would not play in the No. 21 Razorbacks' season opener against Troy on Sept. 1. Nutt said Harrison could face further disciplinary measures. Seriously? Felony drug possession and DWBAF (driving while blazed as fuck) might merit more than four quarters of suspension? Welcome to Fayetteville, or as Marcus Harrison calls it, NAZI GERMANY.

Thus concludes today's Herpetology 101 lesson with Professor Click Clack: South Carolina safety Emanuel Cook won't be with the team for the near future, after being caught in a car that contained a loaded gun. The state of South Carolina considers guns to be like alcohol, in that they're super-dangerous until one's 21st birthday. Cook, being 19, was still two years away from the magical date that imbues him with powers of discretion, so he was arrested and suspended from the university. Supposedly, neither the car nor the gun belonged to Cook, so TOBC has begun a tireless campaign to clear his safety's name without showing any disregard for the law.

Spurrier said the university's policy on guns is "a good rule. Got to treat those things like a rattlesnake."

Rattlesnakes will blow your brains out, and those of dozens of others.

One may certainly wonder what the hell Cook was doing with someone who had a loaded gun near the dorms ("My RA pisses me off sooo much!"). Awkward snake analogies aside, guns are almost uniformly invitations for serious trouble. While the specifics of the case make it sound like Cook will be back soon (did not have the gun on his person, no priors, is very good at football), he would be better off to discontinue association with his cohort. At least until his 21st birthday, anyway.

"Are you ready to behave yourself?" "Yes absolutely." "Then welcome back." "May I change my answer?": Wisconsin has re-suspended defensive end Jamal Cooper for "conduct detrimental to the team." Cooper was disciplined last season for poor academics, sitting out the opener against Bowling Green. With Bret Bielema's unusually assholish approach to discussing discipline with the media, it's unlikely that we'll ever find out what he did wrong. That will not stop us from rampant speculation, of course. My guess? Liquid heat in the players' jockstraps. Long live the Tri-Lambs, baby.

[UPDATE: Whatever it is, he is done for good at Wisconsin. Hope it was worth it, Coop.]

Worst. April Fool's prank. Ever: Penn State safety Anthony Scirrotto was cleared of most of the charges against him stemming from an April 1 incident. A judge ruled that there was no evidence to suggest Scirrotto instigated the brawl at a party that left fifty dead one student unconscious and at least another hospitalized. We applaud Scirrotto's decision not to announce into a microphone, "I, Anthony Scirrotto, will start a brawl forthwith, consequences be damned!" and then turn the tape over to authorities. He still faces a felony charge of criminal trespass, which is what you get when you show up to a kegger and respond to the request of $5 with a rainmaker to the face.

Initial Preseason BlogPoll: Week 2

Not a game has been played and we're already into week 2 of the blogpoll. We're the media and that's how we rock it. You'll notice a few minor changes. I dropped Arkansas and South Carolina a few spots based on some shenanigans over the weekend. I also added Georgia to the poll and removed Oklahoma State. Head to head, I think Georgia would beat OSU 7 out of 10 times so I made the change. I read Dawgsports frequently and he has me believing. If you aren't reading Dawgsports, you should be, it's one of the only foobaw blogs I check daily.
Just like last week (and next week, and the week after that), we're looking for your comments and those of other bloggers before we officially submit our Poll for this week. Tell us what you think.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Southern Cal	25
2	LSU	24
3	West Virginia	23
4	Michigan	22
5	Texas	21
6	Oklahoma	20
7	Virginia Tech	19
8	Florida	18
9	Arkansas	17
10	Louisville	16
11	Ohio State	15
12	Oregon	14
13	Penn State	13
14	California	12
15	Wisconsin	11
16	UCLA	10
17	South Carolina	9
18	Florida State	8
19	Nebraska	7
20	Alabama	6
21	Rutgers	5
22	Georgia	4
23	Arizona	3
24	Iowa	2
25	Hawaii	1

New Additions:
Georgia
Dropped Out:
Oklahoma State