Big 10 Preview: Indiana

I can't imagine a more difficult situation to go through for a program and a community than watching their coach fade away before their eyes. In a sport where boys are expected to be men and men are expected to be superhuman, weakness and illness aren't something you talk about. Former Indiana Head Coach Terry Hoeppner fought like a champion, lost like a hero, and cannot be replaced. He was one of the few good guys in a filthy profession and I refuse to talk about their new coach or make references to him "replacing" Hep. Moving on.

You can't talk about Indiana football without acknowledging that it's a basketball school. It's unrealistic to have championship aspirations with this program. Additionally, there's the fact that they're on their 3rd coach in 4 years and you've got significant instability as well. The positive aspect of this is that with tempered expectation you've also got the chance to be happy with lesser results. Their non-conference schedule should result in 4 wins. Their Big 10 schedule does not include tOSU or Michigan and while this does not guarantee success, it certainly means you can't automatically add 2 losses to the balance sheet. They have Minnesota, Illinois, and Purdue at home, which are all winnable games. With road games at Michigan State (horrible) and Northwestern (bad) I don't think 8 wins is impossible.

Is Indiana a good team? No. Do they have wide receiver extraordinaire James Motherfucking Hardy? Yes. I just puked in my mouth (burrito) simply by typing his name. Seeing Hardy lineup across from Adam "Shutdown" Shada was akin to seeing your momma go on a date with Shaq. You know he's going to damage her and she'll never be the same, but you're powerless to stop it. He's one of the scariest offensive weapons I've seen in the Big 10 in recent memory. What's more, he's got a quarterback in Kellen Lewis who can throw him the damn ball. Lewis also led the Hoosiers in rushing last season as well. These players are enough to give opposing defensive coordinators nightmares. That's the good news. Now for the bad.

Their defense is historically bad. They were one of the worst 10 units in the country last year. They give up 200 YPG on the ground and put no pressure on opposing QB's. They've always been bad on defense and I see nothing that tells me it's going to change. They have 7 returning starters, which... is not good news. It's like getting back together with an ex who cheated on you and always gave you the small half of the sandwich. You don't want them back but you're resigned to the fact that you can't do any better. However, one of the good things about giving up 5 TD's a game means you get plenty of opportunities to practice your kickoff returns, and this is where Indiana is most dangerous. Last season, Marcus Thigpen (RB/WR) averaged over 30 yards per return and took 3 to the house. That's good enough to be #1 in the nation. Good enough to win a game on his own.

This isn't a good team, to be sure, but for Indiana, they're as good as it gets. They've got some talent at their skill positions, a soft schedule, and I can promise you after the example set by Hep, they won't quit. I think you're going to see a feisty and spirited Hoosier team this year. This season could result in their first bowl game in the history of their program (I didn't verify this, but assume it to be true). Enjoy it Hoosiers, it may never happen again.

Better Late than Never: Preseason Blogpoll Roundtable

From blogpoll founder Brian at mGoBlog (a.k.a. The Benefactor), a couple of questions for the blogpoll voters.

Who is overrated?

I've already made my feelings on tOSU known, and mGoBlog stole my arguments against Georgia and Auburn, but what about Rocky Top (#17 Blogpoll, NR on our ballot)? The fact remains:

• Erik Ainge has nobody to throw the ball to (and is still Erik Ainge, quarterback of the "Jesus, he's still eligible?" All Stars)
• The offensive line looks pretty good, but there isn't a running back on UT that can run 5 yards without pulling a hamstring
  
• Phil Fullmer is still a bumbling moron come game time (he was also lampooned as a yokel in Michael Lewis' "The Blind Side," but the characterization seemed all too believable)
• The defensive line sucks balls
• Two new corners to get torched by South Carolina
  
• Nobody else can stay healthy
  
• Oh yeah, they start 1-2 (@ Cal, @ Florida)

The good news? Well, they still get to play Vandy. Mark my words: UT goes 7-5 (4-4). Of course, they will still be ranked higher than 15 better teams for reasons passing understanding.

Who is underrated?

OK, so I know I just listed three SEC teams as overrated, but to show I'm not an unreasonable man, my two most underrated are also from the SEC. Again, my top choice - Arkansas (#20 in Blogpoll, #7 on our ballot) - has been explained by Brian. Read and agree.

Brian from mGoBlog: Not just The
Benefactor, but also a mind taker

My other most underrated team is South Carolina (#22 in Blogpoll, #16 on our ballot). You've got Click Clack, a senior quarterback in his third year with Spurrier, Click Clack, the majority of the starters on both sides of the ball returning (7 on offense, 6 on defense), Click Clack, Click Clack, Click Clack. Maybe I'm overstating his importance, but I have faith in Spurrier, now that he has his guys, to lay the lumber to the dregs of SEC coaching (I'm looking at you, Phil). The Gamecocks have a brutal road schedule (@ UGa, Rocky Top, Arkansas, and LSU), and they will certainly drop a few of those, but I have them at 9-3 (6-3) and my prohibitive favorite in a lackluster SEC East.

Summary Depth Chart Changes, Version 2.0.1

In light of Captain Kirk's comments from the "Citi Boyz, Inc." press conference, I give you the new two-deeps. Big changes in the offensive line (again), and an exciting new appearance at right corner:

SE 80 ** Andy Brodell 6-3 200 Jr
89 James Cleveland 6-1 195 #Fr.

LT 78 ** Dace Richardson 6-6 305 Jr. (injured, will not play against NIU)
60 Kyle Calloway 6-7 305 So. (will move back to RT as soon as Dace returns)
79 Bryan Bulaga 6-6 290 Fr.

LG 68 Andy Kuempel 6-7 295 So.
74 Dan Doering 6-7 300 So.

C 52 * Rafael Eubanks 6-3 285 So.
61 Travis Meade 6-2 285 So.

RG 63 Julian Vandervelde 6-3 295 #Fr.
72 * Tyler Blum 6-6 285 So.

RT 71 * Seth Olsen 6-5 305 Jr.
75 * Wes Aeschliman 6-8 318 Jr.

TE 81 * Tony Moeaki 6-4 255 Jr.
83 ** Brandon Myers 6-4 250 Jr.

QB 6 * Jake Christensen 6-1 215 So.
8 Arvell Nelson 6-4 210 #Fr.
or 12 Ricky Stanzi 6-4 215 #Fr.

WR 86 * Trey Stross 6-3 195 So.
15 Derrell Johnson-Koulianos 6-1 205 #Fr.
or 22 Colin Sandeman 6-1 195 Fr.

RB 21 ** Albert Young 5-10 209 Sr.
or 28 *** Damian Sims 5-9 197 Sr.

FB 35 *** Tom Busch 5-11 235 Sr.
38 Jordan McLaughlin 6-0 230 Jr.

PK 39 * Austin Signor 6-4 230 So.
1 Daniel Murray 5-10 175 #Fr.

DEFENSE

DE 92 *** Kenny Iwebema 6-4 267 Sr.
94 Adrian Clayborn 6-3 275 #Fr.

DT 53 ** Matt Kroul 6-3 277 Jr.
95 Karl Klug 6-4 235 #Fr.

DT 47 ** Mitch King 6-3 264 Jr.
59 Anton Narinskiy 6-4 265 Jr.

DE 99 *** Bryan Mattison 6-3 272 Sr.
98 * Chad Geary 6-3 261 So.

OLB 49 * A.J. Edds 6-4 244 So.
42 Jeremiha Hunter 6-2 222 #Fr.

MLB 40 *** Mike Klinkenborg 6-2 240 Sr.
41 * Bryan Gattas 6-1 233 Sr.

WLB 44 ** Mike Humpal 6-3 242 Sr.
43 * Pat Angerer 6-1 230 So.

LC 19 *** Adam Shada 6-1 195 Sr.
16 * Drew Gardner 5-10 178 Sr.
or Jordan Bernstine 5-11 200 Fr.

SS 2 Harold Dalton 6-1 201 Jr.
18 Lance Tillson 6-2 205 #Fr.
or 3 Diauntae Morrow 6-0 190 Fr.

FS 14 *** Devan Moylan 5-10 201 Sr.
or 30 Brett Greenwood 6-0 200 #Fr.

RC 13 *** Charles Godfrey 6-1 200 Jr.
20 The Entertainer 6-1 175 Fr. (It just might happen...)
or 29 ** Bradley Fletcher 6-2 200 Jr.

PT 5 Ryan Donahue 6-3 175 #Fr.
2 Eric Guthrie 6-6 205 Fr.

KR Damian Sims and Paul Chaney, Jr.
PR Andy Brodell

Big 10 Preview: Minnesota

You may not realize that the Minnesota Golden Gophers went to 7 bowl games in 8 years under Glen Mason. He may have been a wily old tomcat who spent more time in gin joints than he did watching film. He may have blown a 31 point lead in the second half to lose to Texas Tech in the Insight Bowl last season. He may have once battled me for the affections of an underage co-ed the night before the Kansas/Kansas State game at Kelly's in the mid-90's (while he was the head coach at Kansas). But you can't argue with success and Minnesota won games under Glen Mason. You won't be able to say the same after Tim Brewster's first season as head coach. I'm not convinced Brewster was a good hire, based on the fact that he's never even been a coordinator before. He's been hung with the "great recruiter" tag, which is how he got the job, but can he rebuild a program? Given the Gophers history, he'll get the chance. Their diminished expectations are just what the Doctor ordered for a first time head coach. If he wins 1 game they aren't supposed to this season his first year will be considered a success. Their best shot at an upset is when Purdue comes to town on September 22nd. Yeah, a slim chance at beating Purdue might be the highlight of their season. It's like that. Aren't you excited Gopher fans?

Brewster is replacing Glen Mason's smash you in the face running game with a spread offense. Cool, eh? Problem is, 3-year starter and Minnesota's all-time leading passer Bryan Cupito (I know, he sucked, right? All-time leading passer? Wow. Not a lot of good QB's up there.) is gone. They always had an explosive offense under Glen Mason so I'm giving them a significant downgrade on the offensive side of the ball this season. Will the spread work at Minnesota? Not with inexperienced players at QB and WR it won't. They lost half of 2006's receptions to "graduation". QB1 will likely be the coach's son, Clint Brewster. I love shit like that. I can see them sitting around the nursing home in 20 years when a bitter and still shaken Clint says, "Hey, Pa? 'Member when we couldn't beat North Dakota St, at home? Member when you told those reporters it was my fault? Remember when mom left and you got fired after 2 years and took that job at the dealership in Coon Rapids?" Seriously, this is the only reason to watch Minnesota this year. This school is so far under the radar and has such a crappy PR Department that they had the amazingly awesome Laurence Maroney for 3 years and I didn't know he wore a diamond encrusted Kool-Aid medallion. What they fuck are they doing up there? Someone needs to introduce them to Facebook? Get with the times, mother fuckers.



It's at this point where I'm contractually obligated to talk about their defense (which allowed nearly 500 YPG last year). DE Willie Van DeSteeg is solid. They're bringing in some new guys. They have a new coordinator. So they have to be better this year... or do they? I can't talk about the Gophers D anymore.

The Gophers were 6-7 last season even though they were +18 in Turnover ratio. Translation: They got all the breaks and still couldn't pull out a winning season. What does all of this add up to? A really shitty team. How shitty? Shitty enough that I don't think they'll win a conference game. If they can steal one at Florida Atlantic and squeak one out against I-AA North Dakota State in October, they're staring a 2-10 season right in the face. I'm thinking on the evening of November 3rd (when they get waxed by the Zook Hook), at the Kitty Kat Klub (I did not make that up), deep in the bowels of Gopher Nation, they'll hearken back to the glory days of Glen Mason, shed a few rotund tears into their skunky fucking Pig's Eye, and wonder where it all went wrong. Simultaneously, on a bar stool somewhere in South Florida, a tanned, bemused, wholly intoxicated, Glen Mason will see the Minnesota-Illinois score, bellow a hearty laugh, throw down his tenth shot of Jameson's, and enthusiastically chase a frightened co-ed out the door. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Big 10 Preview: Michigan State

Editor's Note: The season starts in 8 days. Iowa plays 8 Big 10 games so it's time to roll out the previews. Let's start at the bottom, shall we?




Last night, while sleeping in my bed I had a beautiful dream. I was the head coach for a Division I football team in a conference that had their own network. I had talent at every skill position, a rabid fan base, and the coolest mascot around. The players ran the right plays, worked together as a unit, and they never blew a 16 point fourth quarter lead against fucking Notre Dame. The guy who coached before me was clinically insane and completely unable to do his job under pressure. Everyone thought I walked on water and crapped beluga. I had money in my pocket, toys in the garage, and a cock like a Coke can. Food tasted like the nape of a woman's neck, wine tasted like tittays, and pussy tasted like, well, pussy. I was unstoppable.

Then the alarm goes off. I look at the clock and it's 4am. My wife elbows me out of bed and I'm off to work. You might think the worst part of my day is sitting in my caliginous office, all alone, watching game film from the previous season. You have no idea. It's not cool like a horror film, it's more like watching the same snuff film, over and over again. My players have sick talent, no doubt, especially at the skill positions. That's what makes it so hard to watch. They fly around the field, effortlessly, with frightening power and grace. Sadly, they frequently don't wait for the snap. They also run the wrong routes, scream at each other, and then laugh on the sidelines while getting hammered by Indifuckingana. After a couple hours of that, I start to puke blood into my Sparty trash can. That's how I know it's time to look at the schedule.

This is when things get really bad. If things go well (and I just know they won't) we can start out 2-0. This will only put more pressure on me and make it even more embarrassing when we piss the game away Sept 15 against The Wannstache. You probably don't know this, it's kind of a secret, but coaches make fun of Wanny all the time. No one respects him. We think he's a genuine retard. Rumor has it, his wife has to label his shoes "L" and "R" so he puts them on his feet accordingly. And we're gonna lose to them. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. It's gonna be so bad I don't even wanna think about it. Then we have go play AT fucking Notre Dame! I know! After they beat us it's at Wisconsin (loss) and then a couple easy games, one of which we might actually win, and then it's the bad part. The really super bad part. I keep saying this to everyone and they don't believe me, but we have the hardest schedule in the Big 10, maybe the whole wide world! Our last 5 games are @ tOSU, @ Iowa, Michigan, @ Purdue, and we close with Penn St! Fuck! After I look at that for awhile my tummy feels funny and I start to get diarrhea, which tells me it's time to get ready for practice, which is like, totally the worst part of my day.

The players hate me. I thought I was just being paranoid at first, but I went through the showers yesterday and on the wall it said, "we hayte dis koach", in shit. I think showing them the playbook was a mistake. We went over it and all they did was complain about how hard it was. No one said a nice word about it. I worked SO HARD on it too. Just like the speeches I make where I say we're gonna beat Michigan. I really wanted to get everyone excited, like Mr. Tressel did when he took over at tOSU. Heck, I even stole lots of stuff from his speeches. But then when I was trying to sound real confident in front of the cameras, I'd look down and see those defensive lineman talking to each other and snickering at me. I'd like to see you try and sound cool while everyone's laughing at you! I'm not made of stone! It's even worse when we're practicing. The guys always run the wrong way and stuff. I know they're doing it on purpose! I'm not stupid. So when I tell them what they did wrong they laugh at me. Sometimes they say, "Coach, stop clownin'." Yesterday, I told Javon he hit the wrong hole, and I even raised my voice really loud, and he walked right by me, said "wash u ass", and just went back to the locker room. It really hurt my feelings. I know I shouldn't have raised my voice but sometimes I just feel like he just doesn't listen. No one listens to me. They all hate me. I never should have taken this job. I hate it. I hate this school. I hate that fucking creepy mascot. I hate myself. I don't wanna talk about this anymore. I just want them to fire me already and it'll all be over with.

-- Mark Dantonio, 1st year head coach, Michigan State.

Kirk Ferentz: Reading between the lines

Kirk Ferentz spoke to the media regarding the Douglas/Bowman Affair for the first time yesterday. Obviously, he couldn't delve into specifics, but what he did say was carefully crafted and bad news for the suspended receivers.

“The charges are serious, and there’s a real gap right now between the information the police have provided and then also what the players have provided,” Ferentz said on ESPN. “What we’ve done is suspend both players indefinitely, and I think the only fair thing to do at this point is let it play out in the courts, and we’ll reserve judgment.”

Granted, there may be no greater group of overreachers than state prosecutors. Ferentz would be crazy to take everything on a criminal complaint at face value. That said, as mentioned before, this is some of the most easily verified stuff possible. Online credit cards purchases, shipping addresses, and university computer equipment are all virtual guarantees of identification. So when the players and police are telling Ferentz two very different stories, it's awfully hard to imagine the truth is on the side of City Boyz, Inc. So while it would be nice to believe that the police are in the wrong, it seems far more likely that Douglas and Bowman are still being less than forthright with their coach, and that is not the way back to the field.

“I think what you have to do is let the legal system dictate what’s going to take place here and how accurate the charges are,” Ferentz said. “We’ve seen other instances in college athletics where it appears to be one way and turns out to be another. At this point, what we have to do is let that play itself out.

If this defense of his players seems tepid to you, then you're not alone.

“Obviously, I want to believe our players — what they told me – but we have to go through the process. In the meantime, as far as the team goes, I think what we have to do is almost treat it as if both players are injured. We’ve got to proceed and get ready for the season.”

If Ferentz is saying he "wants to believe" Bowman and Douglas, he's also saying he does not, in fact, believe Bowman and Douglas. In case you're keeping track, that's the third time he deferred to the legal process. While it's all standard procedures for coaches in this situation ("We have to see what the courts say," "I hope it's not true," etc.), Ferentz had opportunities to show real support for the young men, and he instead chose to (correctly) mention that the team is going to move on, instead.

Lastly, because I've got no time to write more about it, Susan Harman (easily the most competent sportswriter at the P-C) has a nice write-up on the linebacking corps this morning.

I'll be out of town for the rest of the weekend, so if anything major comes out at this afternoon's press conference (unlikely), you can bet that sweet, hot ass of yours that JHC, Hawkeye State, and our resident legal expert Ciroc will be here to cover it. Also, as we approach the start of the season: weekend posts!

Cue the obligatory overreactions about Facebook

This is going to come as a shock to nobody, but the bottom-feeders at the Press-Citizen have discovered that many football players use facebook, and they are shocked--SHOCKED!!--to find out that the football players behave like, well, typical 18-22 year-olds.

The Facebook pages of more than 20 underaged University of Iowa football players have photos appearing to show them engaging alcohol in various ways, from drinking to posing with liquor bottles or beer cans.

In addition, several UI football players have messages attached to their profiles that discuss alcohol consumption, racial slurs and other offensive subjects.

OH MY GODDAMN GOD BEER CANS CANCEL THE SEASON!

The rest of the article is similarly stupid, and presented with an O'Reilly-esque disregard for irony. The reporter, Brian Morelli, seems content to play the "I'm just telling our readers what's out there" card, except for one key portion of the article:

The Press-Citizen e-mailed [associate athletics director Fred Mims] several of the additional images it found during its review of players' Facebook sites, and Mims did not immediately return calls for comment.

Fuck you, dude. It's one thing to "report," but this business of trying to bust the players yourself is cheap bullshit.

Oh, in case you folks are curious, the reporter (Brian Morelli) is also on facebook... and is also dumb enough to make his profile public to the UI community. And this just in: Brian Morelli is lame as fuck. Some "highlights":

Activities: press-citizen
Interests: writing; juggling; biking; hiking; cooking; hanging out with my fam; people watching; pissing into my own mouth

[If you want to be a stickler, I made that last one up. -OPS]

He's also got some pictures of his kids, which he may have purchased on the black market. Even more disturbing, though, is one picture where the reporter is present:

Look at all that alcohol! You've got kids, Morelli, and you're throwing it all away!

We expect his indefinite suspension by 8 a.m. Monday morning.